There is a time for everything

Do you apologize for being emotional?  Have you ever caught yourself tearing up over something sweet or sad and said, "I'm sorry but that just made me cry."?

We have emotions so that we can feel these emotions.  And we need to express them.

We need to chuckle.  We need to have those deep belly laughs.  We need to laugh so hard we snort through our noses.  We need to laugh until we can't breathe.

We need to show those emotions.  We need to cry when we see sadness.  When we feel sorrow, we need to let the tears flow in abandon.  We need to sob so hard we get the hiccups.  We need to wail sometimes when no words can be spoken.

Why are we so programmed not to show these human emotions?  Men and Women.  Children.
Children pretty much show their emotions.  But how many times have you heard, or said, "don't cry." to a child?  Or to an adult for that matter.  Women are taught that it is silly to show so many emotions.  Men are taught that it isn't "manly".

Real men cry.  Real women cry.  And laugh.  And get angry.  And run the entire gamut of emotions. Some days - it can be a real roller coaster high and low out there.

As Ecclesiastes 3 says:
There is a time for everything, a season for every activity under the heavens.

There is a time for Fear.  Anger.  Sadness.  Joy.  Disgust.  Trust.  Anticipation.  Surprise.

These are the eight basic emotions according to Robert Plutchik's theory.

If we don't show these emotions, we suppress them.  When we suppress them, we stop feeling.  When we stop feeling we stop living and being in this world.  How can you be in the moment - if you aren't paying attention to it.   Feel the moment.  We don't have to wallow in it - we don't have to live there - but we do need to feel it before we set it free.


One day my heart opened.  I went to visit an ashram - and when i stepped into this one room - the energy in the room and this huge, larger than life statue, opened my heart and i began to cry. I felt a connection with Bhagawan Nityananda that i hold to this day.  And will hold forever.


Slow down.  Take a breath.  Sit in the silence.  Feel the air on your skin.  Feel your breath as you breathe in and out.  Put your hand over your heart and feel your heart beating.  And take a deep breath.  Smile for it is a joyous day.

A Cup of New Day

Ever wake up in the morning and think to yourself - perhaps i should just stay in bed today?  I do.  Not often.  Today (yesterday now) was one of those days.

Actually i'd kinda felt it creeping up on me since the day before.  So it didn't really surprise me Wednesday when it hit me full blast.

What do you do when you feel like that?  I know people that go back to bed.  Or they stay in their p.j.'s all day (who wears those anyway?).  I guess i had that option - but in my mind - i really didn't.  I always have an option.  We were already down 2 and 1/2 people at work - if i'd stayed home - i would have made it a real burden to those that were there.  And really - i wasn't sick - i was just pissed off.  Down in the dumps.  Feeling low.

Several things helped me through the day.  One being that i know that i have a lot to be thankful for.  A lot to be grateful for.  I am Love. And i knew that "this too shall pass".  And generally i'm a happy person.

Another thing that helped me was remembering a conversation i'd had with someone over the weekend.  We'd discussed polarity and duality.  Opposites.  To have one thing - you have to have another.  Good and Bad.  (Whatever that is.)  Yin and Yang.  Hot and Cold.  Up and down.

To experience Love, you must know what Hate is.  To experience Hot water - you have to know what Cold water is.  To experience an Emotional High you have to know what an Emotional Low is.  Otherwise - you wouldn't  be High.  You would be something else entirely.

All day was a conscious effort to work through my "pissed off" state.  Even the conversations i had with people through out the day - i worked at them.  Very hard at times.  And the good news is - i don't think i pissed off anyone today. Haha!  That made it a very good day.

At work - i had to work the help desk for several hours - and i made it a goal to get smiles and thank you's from everyone that i came into contact with.  I made it a goal not to project my feelings onto them and i actually succeeded.  I made it a goal to look up from my work and project my love to them several times while i was out there.  And i succeeded.

There were a few times during the day that i let myself wallow in the pissed offness state.  Partially to feel it - to see where it was coming from.  And i think i kinda figured it out.

I have a lot of changes going on in my life.  A lot.  Did i say A LOT?  A lot.  A lot of changes.  While i'm not resisting them - consciously - i think subconsciously today - these changes and this resisting made itself known.  Consciously.  I internalize my stress.  And this was a way for my body to say to me - hey this is what is really happening - and it is ok.  But you do need to deal with it. 

These changes are bringing a little bit - ok - A LOT of fear.  Fear of the unknown.  All up to the surface.  Oh i can talk the good talk - the bright me - the happy me.  But when i talk something out a lot - (there it is again A LOT) - it means that there is some fear creeping into that decision.

Yes.  I have made some changes.  Yes I am walking into a huge change.  And i am making this and these changes in my life.  Changing something that i've done for 30 years - how i've seen myself - how others see myself - how this something has become a part of me - become me - this is an adjustment that i am making. 

And yet i know - that even though i've done this something for 30 years - it really isn't me - and THAT is what i've realized and THAT is what is helping me move forward into my future.  And while i know this - it is still an adjustment - so bear with me as i move and adjust myself into my new self.  My new vision.  There are several other changes going on - but i think it was/is the big one that is causing the most stress - the other things are just jumping on for the ride.  Haha!

I fell asleep at 8pm tonight - something i very seldom do.  These emotions were wearing heavy on me though.  And i woke up at 3 a.m. - it is now about 25 minutes after and i'm writing and listening - i just realized it was raining.  What a nice sound, the rain coming down to the ground and hitting the house - i'm feeling the cleansing of it all.  The air takes on a different quality when it rains - it washes away the debris of the day.  And i'm feeling it wash away the residue of my fears right now.

That pissed off feeling that i had yesterday - i've worked through it and shrugged it off.  I'm feeling very excited about the morning and the days ahead.  And i'm going back to bed for a couple of hours - because the morning is already feeling fresh and i'm looking forward to it.

I'm going to enjoy a cup of new day along with my coffee this morning and put those plans i've been organizing in my head - into motion.

One Spiritual Being having a Human Experience

It is St. Patrick's Day today.  I've been thinking of the "being Irish" thing.  Which led me to ethnicity and identifying with a particular group.

And then i thought well, if i identify with a particular group - does that separate me from others?  By the mere fact that i identify with "this" group.  Does it make me "us" and others "them"?

I didn't like that thought.  It made me feel different.  From others i mean.  And i'm not.  Not really.

We're all Spiritual Beings.  Here, having a Human Experience.  Right?  Well I think so.

Does identifying myself as an Irish-German-French-American Indian-Welch-American make me something other than a Spiritual Being?  Does it lower my vibration?

Does being a member of a particular club or Civic group separate you from others?  Yes i think it does.  There are many groups or clubs that i would not qualify to join - for various reasons.  I'm not a Packer fan - or I'm not Catholic or I don't know the secret handshake or I don't have an i.q. of 132.

While it does separate us - it doesn't diminish us or make us less than.  

These groups (mostly) are a way of celebrating the ethnicity, remembering the past or promoting unity for a common cause - bringing people together as a group, forming community - and they are helpful to some.  

However, they also separate us from Spirit.  Divine Oneness.  I want to raise my vibration and remember that i am One with ALL that is.  We are One.  And by that raise the vibration of the planet. 

One with the water as it flows over - through - in my body.  I am the water.  One with the air that fills my lungs.  I am the air.  One with each human that i encounter.  I am you.  One merged with One and All - so that All doesn't exist - only One exists.

One Spirit having this Human Experience. 

Sometimes we cry

There is a song that keeps running through my head today - a Van Morrison song - "Sometimes we cry".  I guess because I've been crying today.

Do you ever find yourself sobbing out those tears and frustrations and love? Feel those cleansing, heart wrenching, shoulder shaking, gut clenching sobs?

Those feelings came over me today - several times.  At work.  Driving home.  And again once i got home.  Hot tears.  They came and it felt good to cry.  Sometimes we cry.

Today.  I've had a difficult time grounding myself.  My weekend was FABULOUS.  A friend came in from out of town for a talk and workshop.  I had a small intimate gathering of a few friends over so that we could connect.  Talk.   Share.  Laugh.  Be.  Appreciate.  Enjoy.  Love.  Eat.  Slow Down.  And we did.

The entire weekend was over the top and filled with Energy.  Joy.  Love.  Music.  Conversations.  After the workshop yesterday - we all went our separate ways.  I went home and suddenly crashed on the sofa to sleep for an hour or so.

Then, today, as i said - i had a hard time grounding myself.  I couldn't concentrate and felt W I D E OPEN.  Right before i went to lunch i got a phone call from someone to tell me that a friend had passed.  I was ok on the phone - but when i got off the phone - my anger came. I cussed and fussed and finally started crying.  At my desk.  Because. Sometimes we cry.

I was angry.  Angry that my friend had died.  Angry that this person that called me - thought enough of me - basically a stranger to her - but she thought enough of me - that when she ran across my phone number today - she called to make sure that i had known about my friends death.  I had not known.  But when her sister had called my work and told whomever answered the phone about the death - and to make sure that i was told - no one thought enough of me - to write the message down and leave it for me.  Today is February 9th.  My friend died January 6th.  So yes i was @#$@$@#$ angry. It had been a month - and whom ever answered the phone - never remembered to tell me.   Deep breath and let that go.

When Kitty called - i had a nice conversation with her - remembering my friend - i'd known Helen for gosh, almost 30 years.  Helen was a volunteer where i worked - she'd volunteered for years.  Helen was 103 when she died.  Doing fine, feisty to the end Kitty said.  On the occasion of her 100th birthday - i sent her flowers.  I figured she'd earned them.  When i first met Helen - we didn't get along - but we came to like and respect each other - we found out we were kindred spirits when it came to organization.

I was angry at myself too.  I had looked at the calendar in December and realized that Helen's birthday was on the 1st and i needed to send her a card - but i never got around to it.  And now, well, now it is too late.  And here i am again.  Crying.  For me.  For her.

On the way home - i got in the car and some music came on - and i had to pull the car over.  I started sobbing again.  For me?  For her?

Later at home - i turned on the computer and looked at Facebook - only to find - that someone else i knew had died.  Today.  I started sobbing.  Again.  Because.  Sometimes we cry.

This person that died today - i only knew because of Facebook.  She was actually a friend of a friend - but she'd friended me the first of September because we had a mutual friend (several actually, but it was because of one).  She said she could tell she liked me just because of my posts and my picture and since she was planning on being in the same place that i was at the end of September - she wanted to friend me and meet me in person.  Well.  Things don't always happen the way we plan them.  She ended up getting sick and didn't make it to the September event.  We never met in person.  We talked on Facebook a little - i read her posts and knew like she did - that we'd probably like each other.  Her name was Jacquie.

So today - i've decided that i'm going to connect with the people, with the community that i have here right now and write those thank you letters to my 3 friends that came over on Saturday.  Because they mean a lot to me.  And they are here right now.  And because we don't know where we'll be tomorrow.  And because right now, after that last cry - i felt a release of held tension - and i don't feel the need to cry anymore tonight.

Sometimes we do cry.  Because we need to.  And sometimes we connect with those around us - because we need to.

My Soul Says Yes!

Where is Heaven?

When i was a child - i was told at church that i was going to Hell if i didn't accept Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and Savior.  And i must always be "good" to get into Heaven.  Heck even Santa paid attention to whether or not i was good, and he checked that list twice.

I never quite understood that.  How about you?  Where is this Hell anyway?  Or for that matter where is this Heaven they talk about?  I used to ponder that when i was young.  And then one day i realized that it couldn't be a physical place.  Hell was not "down below".   Heaven wasn't "up there".  God wasn't a "man".  God is Spirit.

On that day i realized that Heaven was here and Hell was here.  And when i realized this - i was still kind of young (in my early teens) - i didn't quite understand that entire thought process.   So i pondered more (i'm a ponderer) and realized that my life was what i made it.

Over the years I've come to understand this more and more.  I don't know when i realized that the thoughts in my head are my reality.  It seems i've always used the concept of visualization.  I would see something in my mind and then i would do it.  Even something as simple as laying in bed in the morning and deciding what to wear that day.  I would visualize it and then get up and put that on.

When i want to create an art piece - i feel the color in my mind, feel the texture, feel the essence of it - and imagine myself going through my supplies, pulling out what i need, putting it on the table and assembling it piece by piece, layer by layer.  Then when it is/was complete in my mind - i would go into my art studio and create.  Most times - i create it as i see it in my head, sometimes i might change it a little bit - but what i had visualized is usually what my finished product became.

My vision for myself, for my friends and family, for all people, for this city, this county, this state, this country.  Earth.  This World.  This Universe.  My vision is of Peace.  Joy.  Love.  Heaven. Abundance.  Right now.  Right Now!  We have the capacity Right Now!  We have it all within us.  We simply have to realize it.

What does it take to realize it?  I see people reading the same books - but they aren't doing the work.  They are doing the same things.  Making the same complaints.  They are stuck in this place in their heads.  They think they are doing better - but they really aren't.  They are merely going through the motions.  I know this because that was me.  I see this now.  How do we get others to see this?

I think the answer is to live this.  Begin with ourselves.  Be Joy.  Be Peace.  Be Love.  Be Abundance.  Be Heaven.  Right Now.  And when you share this - others will see this and want to be there with you.  Along side of you, riding the wave of Energy.  What about you?

It gives me such a High that My Souls Says Yes!

Be that. Every. Single. Day.

I thrive on stress.  When my mind is busy working out all of the options - calculating the time available vs. the workload - finding moments in the day to accomplish this task and then moving on to the next before the first one is ever done.  Multitasking myself through my day.

While this mind part of me thrives - the body part of me has a lot of stress - something else i thrive on.  However, the stress i feel in this body needs to have time devoted to it.  To relax and recharge.

Relaxation.  What a concept.  Meditation stretches and expands the mind.  Yoga stretches my muscles, expanding and releasing the stress build up in this body.  And Music.  Well Music is

something else all together.  When i listen to Music - i don't "do" anything else.  I listen to the music.  I'm not one of those people that always has music playing in the background.  When i play music, i'm devoting time to it and listening to it.

By relaxing in this way i find that as i listen to Music it creates a pathway from my Heart to my Mind and it spreads through out this body - i can feel it traveling through my cells, across my skin as it dances around me - clearing out the debris from the day.  Allowing this body to become in sync with the Larger Me.  I Breathe into that moment.  And my Spirit Expands.

Something i've learned is that when you are ready to allow yourself to listen to your body - to your Mind - and what you are being told by the Universe - your life will become better.  (I've had a friend telling me this over, and over, and over.  Did i say over?  I finally started listening.  Really, K. I'm listening!)

For example, today was such a great day.  I had a program at my day job.  Something i'd planned for several months.  Usually i get stressed out over the program - but today, well last week really - i decided that it would be perfect.  (Easy.)  I was standing up at the lectern watching everyone arrive and find their seats.  I found myself standing there with a smile on my face.  People walking up saying hello to me, sharing conversation.  And i realized that it really was perfect.  (Easy.)  When it was time to begin, i turned on the microphone, and began to speak.  I said everything i wanted to say, i didn't stumble over my words, they laughed at my jokes and it truly was Perfect.  I was calm.  And one of the best things - i had 55 people at my program.  That is a good day.

Now the trick is - to remember what i learned today.  Ultimately I am responsible for myself.  I have to listen to what the Universe is telling me.   And be that.  Every. Single. Day.

A Change Will Do You Good

What is it you want for your life?  Deep.  Deeply Want.  The Deeper Relationship with God.  The Deeper Relationship with Your Authentic Self.  A Deeper Relationship with other People.  A Deeper Relationship with your creativity.  Or think of it as the Bigger things.  For me one of those Bigger things is retiring from my present job of 29 years and paying off a large bill.  My Things are different from your things.  Because my things are my things.  And your things are your things.

I'm considering that for the moment.  There are a few things in my life that i say to myself - why isn't

this or that changing.  And i'm trying to figure out why.  What I'm seeing is that i keep making excuses to do something else - over doing the thing i want to change.  Avoiding the thing i think i want and not making the change.  Then i realize that there must be some fear in how if i do this thing - am i ready for the change that it will make in my life?  Because changing a Big Thing, a Deep Thing does change everything else.

Taking a deep breath on this one and seeing the need for meditation on that one.

Some of what i'm thinking: Something happened for me over the holidays.  I'm sitting here one day between Christmas and New Years.  Thinking.  Thinking about my future.  And i'm thinking about this something that happened to me.  It was a good thing.  A nice thing.  But suddenly i realized that it changed everything.  It opened the door to a BIG something that i've been wanting.  So i pulled out all my paperwork and a calendar and ran the numbers and realized that if i did this, then did that and moved that over here and OMG if i did all of this it would allow me to RETIRE.  Not in 3-5 years.  But at the end of this year, perhaps a year and a half at most.  Wow.

Recently I've been wanting and feeling the need to retire from my present job (been here 29 years).   After i'd worked here many years and then decided i'd stay on and retire from here - 30 years was my projection for myself.  But over the past several years i didn't think it would be possible.  However - still in my heart of hearts - i've held that vision of 30 years.  My 30 years will be September 16th of this year.

This past year my life changed a lot - and there are doors opening and new paths created - moving me in a new direction.  My life is so Abundant.  Filled with Love.  Wonderful Relationships with Authentic Spirits.  We share the good, the bad and the highs and lows.  I've learned so much from these relationships, i've grown, they've grown - we're all moving forward, helping each other.  And i'm ready to move forward into my future.  That future is filled with infinite possibilities.

When the time comes for change, you will desire that above all else, and make that change.  You will see the truth that without this change, you will only stay the same.

Anytime you want a deeper relationship with something, anything - it takes time and effort to create this deeper relationship.  So you have to ask yourself - do i really want this?  And if you want this - but you still aren't taking the time or effort - WHAT is standing in your way?  Besides you?  It is always You - but dig deeper there is something within you that is keeping you from your Good.

A change will do you good.

Meditate on That

Your Good is inside of you.

It always has been.

So what's in your way of seeing your Good?

You.

Stop believing all the crap that you are bombarded with.

Look inside.

Take a deep breath.  Slowly exhale.

Close your eyes. Meditate on That.  The space between the breath.

Feel it.  Feel the Good.  The Good that you are.

You always have been.  You always will be.

Be That.  Everyday.  Every moment.

And if you forget.  Take a deep breath.  Slowly exhale.  Close your eyes.  Meditate on That.

Repeat as needed.

Namaste.

Spread Love not Fear

When i see a post on Facebook or an article in a magazine or a newspaper or a television ad or commentary - there are 2 things i look for when i see it.
1.  Is this Love?
2. Is this Fear?

Life to me is sometimes a flow chart.  If this, then that.

Is this Love?  Yes - Is it relevant to you? Do you want to watch it/look at it? yes - then do it.
No? Then move on.
Is this Love? No - Then it must be fear.
Is this Fear? Yes - then move on, don't give it your power.  No? Then it must be Love, see above.

Very simplistic.  But we've got to be careful what we allow into our lives.  Into what we see, we speak, we do, we think, we spread - everywhere.

I saw a post that someone put on Facebook - which triggered this thought.  It said - "Do you know there are multiple cures for cancer but they are suppressed because cancer is worth $170 Billion dollars a year."  It just SCREAMED fear to me.

This is what i mean - by Love and Fear.

What i would rather see is something positive like this poster, on how to prevent something rather than pointing fingers and blaming someone else for the problem.

I know.  I know.  I live in my own world.  I want everything perfect.  I know the world isn't perfect.   But i can try, can't I?

I just found a bumper sticker in amid some papers i'm sorting through and filing.  "Loving Kindness is my religion" (His Holiness The Dalai Lama)

I guess that is where i am coming from.  I have to stop pointing fingers and blaming everyone else for my problems and issues.  It is one reason i'm sitting here all day today sorting papers and shredding, filing and tossing things. (i'm a writer and a genealogist - i keep everything.) I've wanted to have some people over to the house for a small gathering, but my house is such a mess i say to myself, there are papers and piles everywhere.   And you know what?   I just have to get off my rear and DO IT.   And it is feeling good.  And this room is looking so good.  And i'm planning a gathering at my house while i'm cleaning up and out.

What are you doing about it?  Let's stop a moment.  Let's Spread Love not Fear.

Be That Now

Resolutions.  Goals.  Intentions.  Rules.  Expectations.  Regulations.  Ugh.

Many years ago i stopped making "resolutions" for the new year.

I realized that when i made these resolutions and then i didn't keep them - i thought less of myself. When i stopped exercising after 2 months.  When I didn't keep the house picked up everyday.  When I didn't get fit.  When i didn't stop smoking.  Or eating sugar.  Or just simply eating less.  When I didn't stop using credit cards or pay off my debt.  When I didn't go back to school.   When i didn't find my true love.  Or buy a new car.  When i didn't meditate more.  Or find that new church.  When i didn't write that book.  Or travel more.  Or do this or do that and on and on.

I judged myself.  I made myself feel less than.  That small mind would take over and then i would feel small.  I was bullying myself into thinking that i was not perfect.  Just. the. way. I. am.

One day i decided to stop beating myself up.  And I realized that i am perfect.

Now let me say - that just because i know that i am perfect -doesn't mean that i remember it every day.  But i do remind myself of that fact when ever i begin to feel less than.  I'm bombarded with the media and people and the outside world - and their goal is to make me feel that i need something other than what i have.  Mine is to remember that i am perfect.  I have everything i need within myself.  As do you.

When i begin to feel less than - i try to figure out why i feel that way - and work through that block.   Sometimes i need assistance from others to help me work through those blocks.  That block that is keeping me from knowing that i am perfect, from knowing my Divine Nature.

I'm working through these blocks and knowing my Divine Nature more and more.

And you know what?  Over the years my life has changed.  I quit smoking one day.  I wrote a book.  Then i wrote another book.  And just this year I wrote a third book.  I went back to school.  I bought a new car.  I'm traveling more.  I'm allowing new people in my life. I've cut out most of my sugar consumption.  I'm creating more.  I'm loving myself more and more everyday.  And loving others.  I've found my True Loves, I am surrounded by them.  They are everyone.  I'm expanding my borders.  I've paid off half of my debt.  And i don't use credit cards anymore.  I save up to buy large ticket items.  I'm meditating several times a week.  I've found a new Spiritual Center.  Several actually.  And it has come naturally.  Easy.

I'm constantly trying to keep my house picked up.  But i don't care that people see it the way it is - messy.  These are simply some of my messy parts.  Yes i do need to loose weight - because i need to be healthy - not for any other reason.

And i'm feeling good.  About myself.  About my life.  And my non resolution life that is perfect!

Happy New Year!  Imagine the life you want to be and be that now.

When I Pray I Feel My Heart Go Deeper

There are certain things that are very personal to me.  One of them is prayer.  I've never prayed out loud in public before.

Now first let me explain that i grew up in a church where people would pray for 5 minutes or more  during the church service.  I never understood that.  Nor did i understand those long drawn out prayers that asked for this and that (things) and made promises (for those things).  I remember thinking "who is this person praying for or to?"  "Is he praying for himself, for me or what he thinks he should do?" Because it always was a man.  Women never prayed in our church.  Not during the service anyway.

Last weekend i had the opportunity to be what is called Platform Assistant in my (now) church (the PA basically keeps the service moving along).  I wasn't nervous about it - however when i read the order of service, i realized that i had to pray out loud, in public, in front of everyone.  Huh.

I thought about it.  I took a deep breath and this is the prayer that i spoke.  It is one of my favorites that i am going to share with you now.

Great Spirit,
Teach me how to trust,
my heart,
my mind,
my intuition,
my inner knowing,
the senses of my body,
the blessings of my spirit,
teach me to trust these things,
so that I may enter into MY sacred space,
and LOVE beyond my FEAR,
and thus walk in balance
with the passing of each glorious sun.

(Lakota Prayer)

Yes! God, Great Spirit, is showing ME everyday - how to trust and I am Loving beyond my Fear everyday.

And when i pray, i feel my heart go deeper into my God.

Boundaries and Buttons

Interesting to find out that i have buttons that can be pushed.  Today i had some buttons pushed and i got frustrated and very peeved with the event.   My co-worker told me later that my ears turned red.  What?! I never knew my ears turned red.  Ye Gads!

And now i'm pondering about my response.  It all happened so fast that i didn't have a chance to take a breath - i merely responded to it.

I have boundaries.  With people i do not know - i don't like for them to move into my space.  And i certainly don't like them to touch me.  I used to be extremely shy and i've worked through a lot of that old shyness.  But i am still, how shall i say, shy, reserved and standoffish sometimes.  And this particular person's energy weirded me out.

As this man (that i did not know-but in the office that i work in - i had spoken to him in passing) walked up to me, he put his hand out to touch me and i backed away from him.  He kept coming closer and i told him to stop and not to touch me.  He responded with a "what?"  I said "don't touch me.  I don't know you - you are not allowed to touch me."  Him: "How am i supposed to get to know you if you don't let me touch you?" Me: "You don't have to touch me to get to know me."  Him: "You aren't very loving." Me: "Love has nothing to do with you touching me or any one of my people here."  Him: "Do you get massages?" Me: "That is a personal question that you have no need to be asking me."  Him: "personal?"  Me: "yes, you can be arrested for touching people with out their consent."  Him: "I used to be a police officer." Me: "Well then, you should know better."  Him: "are you a christian?"  Me: "What does that have to do with anything?" Him: "It has everything to do with it, with love." Me: "No it doesn't.  You can be anything and be loving.  You however do not need to come into my place of business and try to touch everyone.  It is inappropriate behavior.  And you should know better."

So, ok, this went on - for a few more minutes and then i shooed him out of the office and he left.   I stood there at the desk, thinking about it.  I then turned to my co-worker and said "Unloving?  Do I get massages?  Am I a christian?  What does that have to do with the slice of bread?"  Co-worker: "Nothing - that was out of left field.  That guy knows no boundaries."  Me: "That guy is a (lalalalalalalalalalalalala) jerk."  Later i found out that he had done the same thing to 2 other co-workers.  With one he had walked up behind her and put his hands on her shoulders to massage her shoulders - and she told him to remove his hands and get from behind her.  Evidently he then said some of the same things to her.  She said she thought he was a lech and a jerk.

Ok so yes, i'm in need of some pondering on why i responded like i did.  Yes the guy weirded me out.  But i should have just said - leave the office and ended the conversation quicker than i did.  

However, i didn't do that - i let my buttons be pushed and now i need to learn something from it.  

My thoughts are this:  It is ok to have boundaries.  And yes people will push your boundaries.  But i need to learn to respond differently to someone when they push my buttons and boundaries.  

I need to take a deep breath and meditate on this tonight. 

After i wrote this - i heard a beep and went over to fb and saw this message from someone, they had placed it on my timeline.  Appropriate.

I Still Miss My Dad

Today is the anniversary of my father's death.  He died in 1982.   I am older now than he was when he died. This day used to be quite horrible for me to get through.  And then one day i decided to change that.

I decided it would be a great day.  A day to celebrate.  I began by quitting smoking on this day in 1991.  And now each year, i do something on this day to celebrate the day and my father.

Today i helped my mother put up the Christmas ornaments on our outside trees.  They are so lovely - they always make me smile.

Sometimes we need to step back and look at our life from a different direction.  A different perspective.  And see that things can be different.  Believe they will be different.  Visualize a difference.  And make them different.

I still miss my dad.  Some days it doesn't take much to make me tear up when i think of him.  But i don't dread the day of his death anymore.  I actually look forward to coming up with something to honor him by or with.  And every time i make or eat a devil's food cake with chocolate icing - i think of him and how we'd enjoy a slice together. 

And over the next few weeks - each time i go outside and see the ornaments hanging in the trees, i'll think of him and smile.

That place where silence is

Meditation.  That place where silence is and yet the world resides.  Inside.

For years I've been a waffler when it comes to meditation.  I'm not sure why - because when i do meditate on a regular basis - i feel good.  I'm calmer.  My mind is clearer.  I'm centered - or can find my center much easier during the day when i need it.

A few weeks ago i decided to take a class on meditation to refresh my practice and get myself going again.  I started today.   20 minutes and then i'm taking time to write down my thoughts.  I'm interested in seeing where this takes me and i'm consciously making a decision to make this a daily practice.  Right now, once a day feels right.

Taking time to do something for myself.  And i'm feeling better already.

Sometimes the Gift comes to You

Take some time for yourself during this busy and hectic season.

There are so many events going on - Christmas Cantatas, Luminaries, By Invitation Parties, Club Luncheons, Group Dinners, Tree Lightings, Church programs, Skating Gatherings, Breakfasts, Cookie Exchanges, last minute get-togethers and so much more!  My calendar has been full of invitations for over a month.

It is so lovely to be invited to participate with everyone and I know that i am very blessed.  The Christmas Season is a warm and gentle season filled with Love and Jesus.  

December is also filled with Stress, Frustration, Tears.  There are many things that i truly want to attend and be a part of this Season - i want to do EVERYTHING.  However, i've decided that i will attend only that event that i feel led to attend.  And everything else i'm going to have to step back from and say "No, thank you."

Saturday night - i came home after a busy day and relaxed.  There were several events that were planned - but i decided that i needed to stay home and take some time for myself.  I read some, checked my emails and talked with a friend on the phone.

While i was on the phone i received an unexpected gift - i saw a parade of boats going by my window all lit up with holiday lights.  I jumped up from my chair, told my friend i'd call her back and ran outside with my camera.  There they were, slowly riding by all lit up and singing Christmas Carols and yelling out "Merry Christmas!".  Wow!  Afterwards, i called my friend back and shared it with her.

Sometimes when you take a moment to relax and destress the Gift comes to YOU.

Listening from my heart

Lately my conversations with people i come into contact with - are changing.  We are connecting and sharing our heart - and we both end up crying before it is over with.

Not that the tears are sad ones - but because we've connected.  Exposed ourselves to each other.  We let each other see our Good, our Divinity.  And it is Good.

Today while i was working the desk - a woman came up with a question.  While i was researching the answer for her - we were chatting.  She proceeded to tell me that she had terminal leukemia.  I looked up at her from typing on the computer and said - "that is an interesting choice of words".  She said, "well, my doctor told me that i needed to find a place to die.  And that there was nothing he could do for this kind of leukemia."  Again i just looked at her and then i said, "you just need to get that thought right out of your head.  You are what you think and you need to think greater than that.  Greater than what your doctor said."  She then looked at me and smiled and said, "That is just what my minister said to me."

We both got tears in our eyes at the same time.  I gave her the information she wanted and she told me that she had retired and wanted to help the person that i'd looked up for her.  She wanted to help this person make a difference in the world.  She'd seen her on tv and listened to the interview and it had inspired her to contact her.  I told her to keep me posted on the progress - because i could see that she was going to make a big difference in a lot of things and her world was going to change while she helped change the world.

As i was leaving - i walked over to a co-worker - and as i approached she got up from her desk and met me.  She said to me, "oh! today is National Hug Day."  I said, "no that was yesterday, but you weren't here - so i wanted to give you that hug."  We gave each other a big long hug and as we pulled apart, i could see that she had tears in her eyes.  I just smiled (tearily myself) and picked up my bag and left.

The interesting thing about this encounter - i don't go around hugging my co-workers.  But i find it interesting that she knew why i was coming over.  Because as i said, she got up and met me and held out her arms - before i ever reached her.  I knew when i was leaving - i glanced over to her - and usually i just wave - but i knew that today she truly needed a hug and not words.  I say this because her beloved dog was in the doggy hospital after having a blood transfusion the day before and was recuperating.  She needed the hug as much as i needed to give it.  Because it is always a give and take when you are giving a hug.

My encounters with people are becoming more and more encounters of the heart.  One day i realized that i'd begun listening from my heart - and i'm hearing more clearly.

Sometimes Purple

I am.  I've been.  I will be.  I am nothing.  Yet.  I am Everything.

That is who I've been and this is who I am and then I will be.  I'm becoming.

I am. MORE than this skin, this flesh and blood. I am Energy. Spirit.  Here and yet.  Not here.

I'm Optimistic.  and Negative.  Wise and yet not.  A Thinker.  and Thoughtless.

Brave.  But Fearful.  I'm Black.  and White. Green.  Sometimes Purple.

And then when i really look at myself.  Inside.  I see.  I am Love.  and i look at you.  You are Love.

And if you could see yourself through my eyes, you'd see how AWESOME you really are.

I Am Thankful!

I am thankful.  God is in ME.  God is in You.  God is Everywhere.  Present.  You are ME.  I am YOU.  We are ONE.  And I AM Thankful!

Today we are gathered to spend time with each other, my family.  Two of my sisters and their family - my other sister is sharing her  time with her husband's side of the family.  We are all together in Spirit.  Whenever we are gathered - i always feel each of us.  Present.

Last night we were playing Scattegories and someone said something which triggered a movie memory and J. goes into one character and then S. and I go into other characters and we are reciting the movie lines back and forth and laughing - while my other sister S. is sitting there with big eyes and raised eyebrows and a frown as if to say - "i am NOT related to any of you." Hahaha and then S. says "oh too bad S. isn't here - she would have joined in!"  "We'll have to do this again tomorrow when she's here.  She'd love this." hahaha!

[Yes there are a lot of S's in my family - about 6 of us have S names.]

I am thankful for so many things.  My Family.  God.  My Friends.  My Job.  A warm house.  My Church Family.  The tree outside my Studio window and the bird that sings its song that i am able to listen to everyday.  The Sunshine today.  The smell of turkey coming down the stairs today.  The gathering of my family and friends that are coming over.  YOU.  I am thankful for you.  

Remember that you are a blessing.  You are the blessing.  Just as you are.  And I Love you.

Happiness is a Decision

Happiness is a decision.  You have to decide whether or not you are going to be happy.  Happiness does not come from the exterior of your being.  It comes from within.

It does not come from the car I drive, the house I live in, the clothes I wear, this body – the people I surround myself with.  Because.  Happiness does not come from out here.  It only comes from within.   It comes from the Divine.  Some people call that God.  I like the word Energy.  Spirit.  Because God cannot be touched.  God isn’t tangible.  But God is.  Everywhere Present. 

I’m not going to preach to you – but I want to get across to you – where I’m coming from.  What my belief is – and where I am at this moment.  So I will return to the topic at hand – happiness. 

Happiness comes from within.  Happiness comes from the Divine.  So how do you get there from here?

I have always been basically happy.  On a fairly even keel – of happy.  However, my True Deep Real Happiness began when I changed my perception of Love.  True Love. I changed the way I thought of myself, the way I expressed myself.  And in return my Happiness Solidified and became a part of my Inner Beingness.  My True Self.  It just started shining forth – because even if I wanted to – I haven’t been able to contain it.  I can’t tell you the people that have told me how I’ve changed in the past 6 months.  The comments range from “wow, you are so different” to “lately you just seem to be glowing, every time I see you”.

Are you Happy?  Really Happy?  Deep down get up in the morning Happy?  Go about your day Happy?  Sitting in traffic Happy?   Is there something that seems to be holding you back?  The “thing” that is causing you pain.  That secret perhaps?  That burden you carry?  That something that you didn’t realize was blocking your light – I got help and moved that boulder.  I stopped carrying it around with me and let it go, I’ve found an Inner Peace that is Beautiful.  I’ve always been a “smiler” but these days I just can’t stop grinning.

I made a decision to be Happy.  And I’m feeling good.

Love changes everything …. part 2

Here I am today, it is November 22^nd and I’ve been giving my experiment some consideration. This is my statement regarding the experiment and conclusion.

Purpose of the experiment: The purpose of the experiment was two-fold. One – to fulfill a paper obligation for a class I took. And Two – To see if I could change the response from myself and others that I come/came into contact with on a daily basis.

Procedures used: Each person I saw, every day, I would look at them and mentally tell them I Loved them. According to the person, sometimes I would say that out loud to them. Some days I would say this to a person many times – some days only once.

Observations/Data/Results: The experiment began on a Saturday, November 1^st – I was working the desk and there were probably 20-30 people in the room. I looked at each one and said “I Love you”. I decided to do this – every 15 to 20 minutes. I was at the desk for 4 hours. I eventually expanded this experiment to include everyone that I came across – people in the grocery store, people at the gas pumps, people in cars while driving, animals in the yard – everyone, everywhere, every moment.

I eventually realized that the first person I needed to tell was myself – so I began saying “I Love you” to myself in the mornings when I woke up, whenever I’d pass a mirror, or just sitting in discussion with someone – I’d remind myself and then mentally tell them also.

The first thing I noticed the first day – was that I began seeing each person differently. I was looking at the person with kinder eyes and a gentler disposition. I know that people caught me looking at them like this – because they’d do a double take sometimes and then they’d answer with a smile in return. As I’ve been helping people at my job – I’m getting more and more thank you’s. I'm using more patience. My voice is gentler with the people. The words coming out of my mouth are more compassionate words. As the three weeks have gone by – I’ve noticed a shift in myself – I’m happy to see people – because I’m looking at them differently. And with my shift in perception, my reactions to people are more loving and caring, non-judgemental – and this in turn has changed their interactions with me.

Conclusion: The change had to occur in me first – which it has, it still is – ever growing and expanding. The people around me – I’m not sure if they’ve changed or it is entirely me that has changed. But by living my change, I see everyone around me different than I did the day before. I see their light. Perhaps I was so wrapped up in myself – that I’d never allowed myself to see their light – but now that I do – well, once again, it changes everything.