Do you ever find yourself sobbing out those tears and frustrations and love? Feel those cleansing, heart wrenching, shoulder shaking, gut clenching sobs?
Those feelings came over me today - several times. At work. Driving home. And again once i got home. Hot tears. They came and it felt good to cry. Sometimes we cry.
Today. I've had a difficult time grounding myself. My weekend was FABULOUS. A friend came in from out of town for a talk and workshop. I had a small intimate gathering of a few friends over so that we could connect. Talk. Share. Laugh. Be. Appreciate. Enjoy. Love. Eat. Slow Down. And we did.
The entire weekend was over the top and filled with Energy. Joy. Love. Music. Conversations. After the workshop yesterday - we all went our separate ways. I went home and suddenly crashed on the sofa to sleep for an hour or so.
Then, today, as i said - i had a hard time grounding myself. I couldn't concentrate and felt W I D E OPEN. Right before i went to lunch i got a phone call from someone to tell me that a friend had passed. I was ok on the phone - but when i got off the phone - my anger came. I cussed and fussed and finally started crying. At my desk. Because. Sometimes we cry.I was angry. Angry that my friend had died. Angry that this person that called me - thought enough of me - basically a stranger to her - but she thought enough of me - that when she ran across my phone number today - she called to make sure that i had known about my friends death. I had not known. But when her sister had called my work and told whomever answered the phone about the death - and to make sure that i was told - no one thought enough of me - to write the message down and leave it for me. Today is February 9th. My friend died January 6th. So yes i was @#$@$@#$ angry. It had been a month - and whom ever answered the phone - never remembered to tell me. Deep breath and let that go.
When Kitty called - i had a nice conversation with her - remembering my friend - i'd known Helen for gosh, almost 30 years. Helen was a volunteer where i worked - she'd volunteered for years. Helen was 103 when she died. Doing fine, feisty to the end Kitty said. On the occasion of her 100th birthday - i sent her flowers. I figured she'd earned them. When i first met Helen - we didn't get along - but we came to like and respect each other - we found out we were kindred spirits when it came to organization.
I was angry at myself too. I had looked at the calendar in December and realized that Helen's birthday was on the 1st and i needed to send her a card - but i never got around to it. And now, well, now it is too late. And here i am again. Crying. For me. For her.
On the way home - i got in the car and some music came on - and i had to pull the car over. I started sobbing again. For me? For her?
Later at home - i turned on the computer and looked at Facebook - only to find - that someone else i knew had died. Today. I started sobbing. Again. Because. Sometimes we cry.
This person that died today - i only knew because of Facebook. She was actually a friend of a friend - but she'd friended me the first of September because we had a mutual friend (several actually, but it was because of one). She said she could tell she liked me just because of my posts and my picture and since she was planning on being in the same place that i was at the end of September - she wanted to friend me and meet me in person. Well. Things don't always happen the way we plan them. She ended up getting sick and didn't make it to the September event. We never met in person. We talked on Facebook a little - i read her posts and knew like she did - that we'd probably like each other. Her name was Jacquie.
So today - i've decided that i'm going to connect with the people, with the community that i have here right now and write those thank you letters to my 3 friends that came over on Saturday. Because they mean a lot to me. And they are here right now. And because we don't know where we'll be tomorrow. And because right now, after that last cry - i felt a release of held tension - and i don't feel the need to cry anymore tonight.
Sometimes we do cry. Because we need to. And sometimes we connect with those around us - because we need to.
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