Actually i'd kinda felt it creeping up on me since the day before. So it didn't really surprise me Wednesday when it hit me full blast.
What do you do when you feel like that? I know people that go back to bed. Or they stay in their p.j.'s all day (who wears those anyway?). I guess i had that option - but in my mind - i really didn't. I always have an option. We were already down 2 and 1/2 people at work - if i'd stayed home - i would have made it a real burden to those that were there. And really - i wasn't sick - i was just pissed off. Down in the dumps. Feeling low.
Several things helped me through the day. One being that i know that i have a lot to be thankful for. A lot to be grateful for. I am Love. And i knew that "this too shall pass". And generally i'm a happy person.
Another thing that helped me was remembering a conversation i'd had with someone over the weekend. We'd discussed polarity and duality. Opposites. To have one thing - you have to have another. Good and Bad. (Whatever that is.) Yin and Yang. Hot and Cold. Up and down.
To experience Love, you must know what Hate is. To experience Hot water - you have to know what Cold water is. To experience an Emotional High you have to know what an Emotional Low is. Otherwise - you wouldn't be High. You would be something else entirely.
All day was a conscious effort to work through my "pissed off" state. Even the conversations i had with people through out the day - i worked at them. Very hard at times. And the good news is - i don't think i pissed off anyone today. Haha! That made it a very good day.
At work - i had to work the help desk for several hours - and i made it a goal to get smiles and thank you's from everyone that i came into contact with. I made it a goal not to project my feelings onto them and i actually succeeded. I made it a goal to look up from my work and project my love to them several times while i was out there. And i succeeded.
There were a few times during the day that i let myself wallow in the pissed offness state. Partially to feel it - to see where it was coming from. And i think i kinda figured it out.
I have a lot of changes going on in my life. A lot. Did i say A LOT? A lot. A lot of changes. While i'm not resisting them - consciously - i think subconsciously today - these changes and this resisting made itself known. Consciously. I internalize my stress. And this was a way for my body to say to me - hey this is what is really happening - and it is ok. But you do need to deal with it.
These changes are bringing a little bit - ok - A LOT of fear. Fear of the unknown. All up to the surface. Oh i can talk the good talk - the bright me - the happy me. But when i talk something out a lot - (there it is again A LOT) - it means that there is some fear creeping into that decision.
Yes. I have made some changes. Yes I am walking into a huge change. And i am making this and these changes in my life. Changing something that i've done for 30 years - how i've seen myself - how others see myself - how this something has become a part of me - become me - this is an adjustment that i am making.
And yet i know - that even though i've done this something for 30 years - it really isn't me - and THAT is what i've realized and THAT is what is helping me move forward into my future. And while i know this - it is still an adjustment - so bear with me as i move and adjust myself into my new self. My new vision. There are several other changes going on - but i think it was/is the big one that is causing the most stress - the other things are just jumping on for the ride. Haha!
I fell asleep at 8pm tonight - something i very seldom do. These emotions were wearing heavy on me though. And i woke up at 3 a.m. - it is now about 25 minutes after and i'm writing and listening - i just realized it was raining. What a nice sound, the rain coming down to the ground and hitting the house - i'm feeling the cleansing of it all. The air takes on a different quality when it rains - it washes away the debris of the day. And i'm feeling it wash away the residue of my fears right now.
That pissed off feeling that i had yesterday - i've worked through it and shrugged it off. I'm feeling very excited about the morning and the days ahead. And i'm going back to bed for a couple of hours - because the morning is already feeling fresh and i'm looking forward to it.
I'm going to enjoy a cup of new day along with my coffee this morning and put those plans i've been organizing in my head - into motion.
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