That is where Love lives

How do you handle grief?  

Sitting here in the waiting room at the hospital. I'm sitting here holding a space of love. 

Listening to everyone chatter. Tears. Sobbing. Quivering lips. Runny noses. Red eyes. Love. 

They are gathering to hold their space. I hear. He's too young. I can't believe it. Why him?  

She was fine. We truly thought she was going to be ok.  I'm so glad I was here. 

Oh man what are we going to do?  He isn't going to come out of this. 

We do the only thing we can do. We take a breath and be love. We hold that space of love. We stand in love. We cry. We sob. The ugly tears, the ones that twists our faces. The ones that come out of that deep space. The ones that cause our shoulders to hunch and shake. The ones where our body trembles.  The ones that make our knees weak and we slide to the chair, the sofa, the bed, the floor.  The ones that cause us to scream and heave and yell. 

My heart aches. My breath is shallow. A friend is preparing to leave her body. 

Her daughters are on their way. Coming to help momma home. To kiss her one last time before she goes. 

I love you Mrs M. Peace on your journey. Your physical presence will be missed. You'll always hold a space in my heart. Because that is where Love lives. 

Find that quiet space

What are you thankful for?  What are you grateful for?

Besides the obvious, my family, my friends, my health, a home, a car, a job, food in the cupboard, a cupboard - yes i am grateful for all of those, but I am truly grateful for my Spiritual Journey that I am on. 

I'm looking at everything around me - and i realize that none of it is mine.  It is all God's.  That remote for the Wii - Gods.  Those rings on my fingers - Gods.  The fuzzy slippers on my feet - Gods.  The rug under those feet - Gods.  Paintings on the walls - Gods.  The tv, the clothes, the dishes, the heat coming out of the vents, the sofa - all Gods.

I'm removing my attachment to these things - because they really aren't mine.  I've been working on this for a while - and i'm realizing more and more that my attachment is diminishing.   I'm really realizing it as i go through things and clean out the house - i realize i don't need all of these things and i'm passing them on to others.  Donating them to charity.  And it feels really good.  Like a burden is being lifted from my shoulders.  I have accumulated too much "stuff".  And it has been suffocating my Spirit.  I'm lightening my load on many levels.  Every time i take a load to charity - it feels so good.

Attachment to these physical things only serve to ground you to this world.  This world that is really an illusion.  Attachment feeds that illusion.

The Spiritual is the goal.  Being and feeling that pure Oneness with everyone and everything - makes you realize that feeling of separateness is something you create by attaching yourself to the physical.

How do you attain the goal of Spiritual Oneness, God Realization?  Through prayer and meditation.  Spending time with God.  Everyday.  Until it becomes natural and you spend every moment in prayer.  When i say this i don't mean - on your knees with your eyes closed - praying and saying words out loud.  I mean - being mindful of your surroundings.  Seeing God everywhere, watching your thoughts, paying attention to what you do, how you spend your time.

Find the quiet space.  Sit in that space.  Quiet your mind.  Become that quiet space.  And you will find what you are seeking.

God Manifested

One day i realized that I was God's manifestation here on earth.  Everything I do, I do for God.

These hands - create for God.

These feet - walk for God.

These eyes - see everything for God.

Then one day I realized that I am God manifested here on earth.  Everything I do, I do as God.

These hands are God creating.

These feet are God walking.

These eyes are God seeing.

You know that realization that changes everything?  Yes, this changes the way I see everything.

Someone said to me yesterday, "Everyone is God."

Yes.  Everyone is God.  And that changes everything.

I Only Pray at Night

Today i was listening to some music by John Fullbright.  He sings a song "I only pray at night" on his album "From the ground up" of which he wrote all of the songs i think.

While i'm listening to the song, enjoying the moment, the music, and i begin to notice the words so i put the song on repeat to really listen.

He says - "i only try so hard".  And these words got me to thinking.  What do i do, where in my life, do i only "try so hard" and stop.

Actually i thought of quite a few things.

He says - "i only fly so high, until i come back down".

Why do i do the things i do knowing that i can do anything - and yet i set limitations and see a glass ceiling that really doesn't exist.  Only in my mind.

He says - "i only fly so far, till i turn around."

There again - i'll go after something, but stop sometimes right before i touch the sky.

Limiting myself.  Once again.

What would happen if i took that next step?  If i continued on down the path and touched the clouds?  Think of the possibilities.  They are infinite.  There is an entire Universe out there - and it is waiting for me.  Waiting for you.

John Fullbright "I only pray at night"
I Only Pray At Night
Put away and out of sight, I confront my fears
I am proud, I am strong, I’m endowed just as long
As it’s light, I only pray
At night
I’ve got an unmarked card, you’ve got the upper hand
I’m afraid to behave in a way that would leave me scarred
I only try
So hard
Its a mystery to me what my mind will see
And it’s something, ain’t it something, when you miss that mark
And you get down on your knees to pray
Only travel so far until I turn around
If you can’t wait for me to land go on ahead I understand
If you can’t try, I only fly
So high
I only try so hard
I Only Pray At Night.

I Only Pray At Night when the world disappears
I only try so hard to make you understand

And it’s funny, ain’t it funny, what ain’t funny in the dark
I only fly so high until I come back down
Make me cry, cry, cry
I don’t know where to go when it don’t seem right…
I only fly so high
I only try so hard
I only pray at night

Anything is possible!!!

What if i told you that our vision is our reality?  What if we understood this?  Believed this?

If we see ourselves this way or that - then we become this way or that.

For one reason or another - sometimes we have a tendency to believe the negative.  We need to retrain ourselves.  We need to be like little children.

When i was younger - i had a boyfriend and we would play a "fishing" game.  He was the fisherman and i was the mermaid.  He'd "catch" me every once in a while and i'd allow him to "pull" me in to shore.  Shore was a little children's wooden picnic table in the back yard.  The entire back yard was the sea.

We'd sit on the picnic table and make up stories.  He'd tell me about places he'd fished and things he'd seen as a sailor on the Seven Seas.  And i'd tell him about what it was like to live in the water and swim around all day, the creatures in the deep depths that no one else had ever seen and how we were magical and could walk on shore for short periods of time.

After a while, he'd unhook the line, to let me go and i'd hop back into the water and swim away flapping my tail.

Somewhere along the line - i forgot that i was magical.  Today i'm reminding myself that deep down i'm still that mermaid.  That child.  With a magical vision.  And my reality is changing.  My future is open to all the possibilities that are available to me.  Which translates into anything is possible!!!

Stop and smell the roses

Or dandelions.  Whatever you have growing in your garden.  Stop and admire the weeds.

Ha!  Time has a way of escaping really fast if you don't pay attention.

I have a tendency to get so wrapped up in all of the "mess" and "stuff" that i'm doing that i forget about me.

To remind me of me - this is really sad - but i got an app.  Haha oh my goodness that makes me giggle.  This app has a little gong that sounds randomly through out the day to remind me to take a breath and be in the moment.  Just take a breath.

This really makes me laugh to think that i need a gong app to remind me to breathe.

However.  Do whatever it takes.  A rubber band on the wrist.  Ouch.  A note taped to the computer screen.  A picture hanging on the wall.  A big alarm clock.  Whatever it takes to wake your rear end up to remind you to breathe.  And take care of yourself.

Because if you don't take care of yourself - no one else will.

Someone said to me - i can't remember the exact words - but it was something like this.  We need to cherish ourselves as much as we cherish others.  Perhaps then, we'll take care of ourselves without having to be reminded.

Until then, i've got my app.  Now if i can just remember to turn it on.

Deep are my Sorrows

Time heals all wounds.  I think that is how the saying goes.  What if you didn't realize you had a wound - would it still heal?

Last week while working - i began to think about the way i felt.  I wasn't depressed, and yet i felt down.  Smiling and yet not quite happy.  Going through the motions but not actually there, where i should be.   Not my usual self.  Looking, thinking trying to put my finger on it.  The emotion that was flooding my senses.  On the outside i probably looked the same.  But i knew. Something wasn't quite right.  I felt different.

On the inside.  I realized i was crying.

I'm good at masking my emotions most of the time.  I worked on that for a really long time.  It became natural.  Even though i know now that it is unnatural.

I work on letting those emotions out these days.  But sometimes old habits return.

There has been so much in the news concerning the shooting in Charleston, SC by the young man who murdered the nine people in the Emmanuel AME Church there.

I need to say their names:
The man that pulled the trigger.  Mr. Dylann Roof
The people that were killed.  Sharonda Coleman-Singleton, Cynthia Hurd, Susie Jackson, Ethel Lance, Depayne Middleton-Doctor, Clementa Pinckney, Tywanza Sanders, Daniel Simmons, Myra Thompson.
The people that survived the attack.  Felicia Sanders

I talked to someone about it - and they helped me realize that it is personal - when someone dies it affects us all.  Because we are all ONE.  That is why i was feeling these feelings.  Sadness.  Fear.  Outrage.  Sorrow.  Forgiveness.  Helpless.  Weak.

What could i do?  I attended a Prayer Vigil.  And that helped.  I took my Power back.  I felt a solidarity to it all.  That we all were One.  Or at least on our way to understanding that we are One.

I realized during the service that even though we say we are One.  We still use the words of Separation.  They.  Them.  Ours.  Theirs.

We have a lot of work to do.

I realized that i had to begin with myself.  Forgive myself and my ancestors for what we've done to each other over the years.

Watch what i think - and change my words - to reflect the Truth.

It shouldn't be about race, religion, politics, or what country i'm from.  It should be the fact that i am a Spiritual Being having a Human experience.

It should be all about love.

We are here - as Gods manifestation.  We are taught to speak different languages.  We are taught what church to go to.  We are taught that we are different from others.  We are taught everything from the moment we are manifested.

And now it is up to me to un-teach myself and to question everything i've ever been taught.  Undo - the doing.  I don't drink the kool-aid any more.

The tears came and i cried - i let them out.  And felt a release of the fear and sadness and helplessness.  I took my power back and asked forgiveness and gave forgiveness.  I felt a comfort come over me.  For i'd let go of some of the doing - felt some of the undoing.

And i smiled.  I felt Joy in my heart.  I felt Love.  I feel the Oneness.

What have you done for yourself lately?

I'm reminded today of a book by Don Miguel Ruiz "The Four Agreements".  The book and the agreements have been on my mind recently because a friend of mine gave a series of talks with each of the agreements as one of the topics.

• Be impeccable with your word
• Don't take anything personally
• Do not make assumptions
• Always do your best

Wise words to live by.  

I've been having ample opportunities to test my convictions.  My life has had quite a few ups and downs recently.  I feel as if I've taken several leaps backwards instead of forward.  Even with all of this I know that my life is Good and that i live in Heaven.

I must remember that no matter what someone else thinks of me, their opinion of ME does not matter.  Only my opinion of me matters.  And i'd better not be a bully to myself.  No matter what they say to me, I'm not to take it personally.

Some days it is all i can do to put one foot in front of the other.  And i'm thrilled that i made it through another day.  Sometimes that is my best.  Other days i hop and skip through the day.  And that is my best.

When others are doing their thing, and not what i want to do, perhaps they aren't available to me for whatever reason - i must remember to not make assumptions.  Because they too are doing the best they can and perhaps that day - it means dealing with their own "stuff" and not yours and everyone else's.

And last but not least - pay attention to the words that are coming out of my mouth.  Just because i'm upset or depressed about something doesn't mean that i should take it out on someone else.  Always be impeccable with your word.  Even the words inside my head as i talk to myself.

Remember that as we walk through this life together - we are all One.  What you do does affect everyone else in the web (of life).   What happens to one person in your tribe - affects everyone in your tribe.

Do whatever it is you need to do - to recharge your batteries.  Make the changes that you know that you need to make.  While it may be difficult to make these changes (changes usually are difficult) - they are probably for the best of you.  Take care of yourself.  Meditate.  Pray.  Laugh.  Eat the foods that vibrate health.  Exercise your body, mind and spirit.  Take a walk.  Drink water.  Eat green.  Read only that book that promotes you and your higher self.  Watch a movie that makes you laugh.   Journal.  Change your associations.  Change jobs.  Move.  Find a Spiritual Community that speaks to you.  Hug someone.  Hug a tree.  Hug yourself.  Ground yourself with the earth, daily.  Take a class.  Have some mind blowing sex.   Snuggle.  Take a deep breath and breathe in the life force around you.  Go to the hairdresser.  Get a massage.  Talk to a friend.  Call them.  Go see them.  Spend time with your pets.  Get a manicure.  Go hiking.  Climb a hill.  Climb a mountain.  Clean out your house.  Get rid of that baggage you carry around.  Spend time with your family.  Kiss someone.  Spend time with your friends.  Make new friends.  Figure out what makes you happy right now and do that.  Change your mind if need be. 

Whatever you need to do - to make your life better - you are the only one that can do it.  So like Nike says, Just Do It!  Begin today.  

In other words - what have you done for yourself lately?

Intimate and yet divided by miles

My Minister refers to it as the "church of facebook".  Which is at once funny and basically true at the same time.

Today for example i found these posts - and they were a great beginning to my wonderful day.

The first one i saw was that a friend of mine J. had arrived safely in Seoul, Korea - she travels all the time and all over the world (i told her i'd be her luggage girl when i retire) - but it is always a relief to see these little posts here and there - confirming her next stop along her journey.

Then i saw this little poster from L. and it made me think about the post that i'd written yesterday about being myself.  And i thought, yeah - when did i learn to put on this mask - and be something other than me?  So my quest is going to be to surround myself with people, not just one person, but lots of people (my tribe as some of us call it), so that i will stop pretending to be anything other than what i am.  Love.  An expression of love.  As i said warts and all.

And then i saw another post about depression from J. and how so many, many people deal with this everyday.  I was at a meeting yesterday and there was a discussion about depression and how we'd had a guest speaker come and speak on the subject - and how so many people that attended responded to the discussion.  They loved having someone talk to them about it.  And as a byproduct - it was being discussed last night to bring the person back and/ or to have a special discussion series on depression.  Love shows up everywhere.

And then another post about love.  One of my favorite topics.  I feel inspired by this quote from Thich Nhat Hanh.  There is passion and depth and potential in these 14 words.  Isn't this what we want?  Just to love and to give love with no strings.  Why is there so much guilt in love?  I just want to love without people getting the "wrong idea".  By that i mean - when i smile at people - some people just smile back and accept the smile.  Other's will come over and say, with a smirk and a lear, "Hey baby, what's going on?" Ugh.  I'm just smiling.....

There are some people that i feel this unconditional love with that i just want to hug them and kiss them so much, we merge.  A friend of mines grandson said something to her one day when he was 4 or 5 - young.  He said, "Cha Cha, did you feel me?"  She asked him what he meant.  He said, "I flew out of my mouth into your body and kissed your heart, did you feel me?"  She said, "oh yes baby i felt you!"  OMG

That is what i mean.  Intimate.  And yet - delicate.  We may be divided by miles and space when we are all apart.  Free from guilt.  Free from the neediness that gets mixed up in peoples minds sometimes when it comes to love.

But we know that with a thought - that person is there - in your mind, right there beside you, in you, with you, as you (even if you are separated by miles and physical) - reminding you of the love you are and the love they are.  And THAT is a beautiful thing.

What's holding me back?

When you are ready the teacher will come.  Wow.  That teacher is everywhere.  All around us.

Animals.  People. Insects   In the trees outside.

Insects.  They're just doing what they do best.  It isn't personal.  That mosquito that bit me on the ankle last night - just looking for nourishment.  That lizard that cocked his head at me and flicked his tongue. Doing their thing.

Those trees that are creating shade, growing their leaves and standing tall.  Just doing what they do best.

Animals.  Dogs wag their tails when they see you.  Possums lumber along foraging, minding their own business.  Cats slumber in the sun.  Birds sing.  Swooping low, when you get too close to their nest.  Living their life. 

In tune with the Universe.

Humans.  Out of sync sometimes with our own bodies.  Our thoughts.  The Universe.  Our best.

I read something today - i've read it before - i've seen it before - i know this.  But today when i read it - i was ready to hear it and i kinda did one of those mental slaps up side the head to myself.

"Everything you desire is on the other side of fear. Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it. The greatest barrier is your fear of success. What could you DO if you let go of FEAR??"  Thanks RT.

Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it.

There is one thing that i fear and that is intimacy.  Now when i say intimacy i don't necessarily mean sex.  I mean closeness.  I mean total honesty and intimacy with another person.  Other people.  I say that i am open and honest - and i am - but i still hold back some things that - well, that perhaps i feel will make that other person think less of me.  Huh, I'm holding them back too aren't I?  Not allowing them the full force of the relationship.

It occurred to me that i was holding myself and others to a double standard.  Here i am - totally accepting others, their warts and all, their dark thoughts, their smiles, their sad, their happiness.  And here i am - holding back.  Holding back because of preconceived notions and that embedded sense of how i should act or be - for someone to like me - i guess is where i'm going with this.

While the past couple of years - i have opened myself up to allowing others to see me - there is more to me that i need to open up to- more to them that i need to open up to.  I've barely scratched the surface of these relationships.  Oh! a sense of happy just washed over me.

Someone told me a couple of days ago that it didn't matter what i said or did - that they only saw me as Love and could only see me as Love.  That i could say whatever i wanted and it wouldn't matter.  So why do i still hold back?

Because of fear.  

A few days ago - i was out with a bunch of friends - and there was singing and dancing and FUN

happening all around me.  Don't get me wrong - i was having fun. I was totally immersed in the bliss of being with people i love.  But i wanted to dance.  I really wanted to get up and dance with those around me that were dancing.  But i didn't.  I never do anymore.  I haven't danced in public in years.  Why? you ask? Why?  I'll tell you why - because i feel like i look ridiculous out there dancing and there is nothing worse for me than feeling or looking ridiculous.  Ok i'm putting this out there.  That is something i deal with everyday.  Every single day.  It is something that holds me back from doing a lot of things.  So.  There it is.  That is the truth of me.  I don't like that feeling.  Don't like it.  Don't like it.  I don't even like writing it down here.  But i need to deal with it.  So there it is.  That is a big secret of mine. (Maybe it isn't a secret. haha!)  

I need help dealing with it.  And i need to desire what i want more than i'm afraid of it.  So this is my message to the Universe.  I desire intimacy more than i'm afraid of it.

I want it more than i'm afraid of it.  I WANT it MORE than i'm AFRAID of IT!!!  I WANT IT MORE THAN I'M AFRAID OF IT.  I WANT MORE.  I DESERVE MORE.  I AM MORE.

Listen for the trees are speaking

Outside.  Closing my eyes to listen and feel the day.

I hear the waves as they roll into the shore and hit the sea walls.  Feel the light wind as it moves over my body, touching my skin with its delicate kiss.  The wind is everywhere sending ripples over the water.  There are birds singing and dogs speaking with their bark.

As i quiet my mind i hear one, two, three, four, five, six different birds, chirp chirp, cheep cheep, coooo, coooo, the engine of a boat or two, no there are three.

I open my eyes to see a cat that has paused on the edge of my grass - looking at me - wondering - i see the mind working, should i continue?  Paused in mid step watching me.

Three trills from another bird as it swoops along in flight.  Dogs running out to say hello when their family comes home.  Truck doors open, slam shut, feet on gravel, crunch, crunch, crunch.

The cat changed its mind - it stood in the same position for several minutes until he slowly turned around,  fluidly - paused, looked back at me - crept over to the corner, rounded the fence looked back at me again (so i finally made the two finger gesture, pointing at my eyes, pointing at his, making the universal, "yeah, i'm watching you."). Haha!

Pressure washer starting up.  Birds are still singing.  Insects are greeting the day with a fresh voice.  Happiness abounds and sweeps over me and i feel one with everything.  Water from the hose hitting the roof as he cleans it.  The water arcs, a rainbow peaks out and disappears into the mist.  The sun is shining and bright, the workers a few houses over have started up a saw and i feel the energy of the sun as it touches my skin.

Closing my eyes.  Breathing in the fragrance of the sun.  The scent of the flowers, and the green, the faint hint of sawdust as it travels along the wind over the water along the path of the day.  The bees are buzzing, pausing, harvesting drops of pollen, their swollen bodies, lightly flitting through the air.  A boat sails by amidst the tranquil.  The waves roll in, again.

Nature abounds in all its glory.  Saying hello.  Sitting in the silence of the raucous energy that is everywhere and the roar of the quiet.  I am relaxed and thankful for i am grateful.

I open my eyes and look up.  There the clouds are drifting by - close enough that if i reach out i can streeeetttch and touch them with the tips of my fingers.  The sun is caressing a spider web amongst the leaves of a tree and the thin gossamer filaments are glinting in the sun.  I can feel the leaves as they bask in the glory of the rays and they lift up toward the sun - grateful for the radiant energy -  they are lush and abundant in their glory and silent reverence.

Listen, for there is a symphony of music in this day.  Open your eyes and look around - for there is beauty everywhere.

There are green lizards climbing (and if you look - they'll "show you the money"), green flies, fish jumping, birds in the sky,  Suddenly i realize that all i hear is the wind, the birds and the insects, the trees are talking, and my eyes are full of moisture for i truly am grateful for this day.

There is a time for everything

Do you apologize for being emotional?  Have you ever caught yourself tearing up over something sweet or sad and said, "I'm sorry but that just made me cry."?

We have emotions so that we can feel these emotions.  And we need to express them.

We need to chuckle.  We need to have those deep belly laughs.  We need to laugh so hard we snort through our noses.  We need to laugh until we can't breathe.

We need to show those emotions.  We need to cry when we see sadness.  When we feel sorrow, we need to let the tears flow in abandon.  We need to sob so hard we get the hiccups.  We need to wail sometimes when no words can be spoken.

Why are we so programmed not to show these human emotions?  Men and Women.  Children.
Children pretty much show their emotions.  But how many times have you heard, or said, "don't cry." to a child?  Or to an adult for that matter.  Women are taught that it is silly to show so many emotions.  Men are taught that it isn't "manly".

Real men cry.  Real women cry.  And laugh.  And get angry.  And run the entire gamut of emotions. Some days - it can be a real roller coaster high and low out there.

As Ecclesiastes 3 says:
There is a time for everything, a season for every activity under the heavens.

There is a time for Fear.  Anger.  Sadness.  Joy.  Disgust.  Trust.  Anticipation.  Surprise.

These are the eight basic emotions according to Robert Plutchik's theory.

If we don't show these emotions, we suppress them.  When we suppress them, we stop feeling.  When we stop feeling we stop living and being in this world.  How can you be in the moment - if you aren't paying attention to it.   Feel the moment.  We don't have to wallow in it - we don't have to live there - but we do need to feel it before we set it free.


One day my heart opened.  I went to visit an ashram - and when i stepped into this one room - the energy in the room and this huge, larger than life statue, opened my heart and i began to cry. I felt a connection with Bhagawan Nityananda that i hold to this day.  And will hold forever.


Slow down.  Take a breath.  Sit in the silence.  Feel the air on your skin.  Feel your breath as you breathe in and out.  Put your hand over your heart and feel your heart beating.  And take a deep breath.  Smile for it is a joyous day.

A Cup of New Day

Ever wake up in the morning and think to yourself - perhaps i should just stay in bed today?  I do.  Not often.  Today (yesterday now) was one of those days.

Actually i'd kinda felt it creeping up on me since the day before.  So it didn't really surprise me Wednesday when it hit me full blast.

What do you do when you feel like that?  I know people that go back to bed.  Or they stay in their p.j.'s all day (who wears those anyway?).  I guess i had that option - but in my mind - i really didn't.  I always have an option.  We were already down 2 and 1/2 people at work - if i'd stayed home - i would have made it a real burden to those that were there.  And really - i wasn't sick - i was just pissed off.  Down in the dumps.  Feeling low.

Several things helped me through the day.  One being that i know that i have a lot to be thankful for.  A lot to be grateful for.  I am Love. And i knew that "this too shall pass".  And generally i'm a happy person.

Another thing that helped me was remembering a conversation i'd had with someone over the weekend.  We'd discussed polarity and duality.  Opposites.  To have one thing - you have to have another.  Good and Bad.  (Whatever that is.)  Yin and Yang.  Hot and Cold.  Up and down.

To experience Love, you must know what Hate is.  To experience Hot water - you have to know what Cold water is.  To experience an Emotional High you have to know what an Emotional Low is.  Otherwise - you wouldn't  be High.  You would be something else entirely.

All day was a conscious effort to work through my "pissed off" state.  Even the conversations i had with people through out the day - i worked at them.  Very hard at times.  And the good news is - i don't think i pissed off anyone today. Haha!  That made it a very good day.

At work - i had to work the help desk for several hours - and i made it a goal to get smiles and thank you's from everyone that i came into contact with.  I made it a goal not to project my feelings onto them and i actually succeeded.  I made it a goal to look up from my work and project my love to them several times while i was out there.  And i succeeded.

There were a few times during the day that i let myself wallow in the pissed offness state.  Partially to feel it - to see where it was coming from.  And i think i kinda figured it out.

I have a lot of changes going on in my life.  A lot.  Did i say A LOT?  A lot.  A lot of changes.  While i'm not resisting them - consciously - i think subconsciously today - these changes and this resisting made itself known.  Consciously.  I internalize my stress.  And this was a way for my body to say to me - hey this is what is really happening - and it is ok.  But you do need to deal with it. 

These changes are bringing a little bit - ok - A LOT of fear.  Fear of the unknown.  All up to the surface.  Oh i can talk the good talk - the bright me - the happy me.  But when i talk something out a lot - (there it is again A LOT) - it means that there is some fear creeping into that decision.

Yes.  I have made some changes.  Yes I am walking into a huge change.  And i am making this and these changes in my life.  Changing something that i've done for 30 years - how i've seen myself - how others see myself - how this something has become a part of me - become me - this is an adjustment that i am making. 

And yet i know - that even though i've done this something for 30 years - it really isn't me - and THAT is what i've realized and THAT is what is helping me move forward into my future.  And while i know this - it is still an adjustment - so bear with me as i move and adjust myself into my new self.  My new vision.  There are several other changes going on - but i think it was/is the big one that is causing the most stress - the other things are just jumping on for the ride.  Haha!

I fell asleep at 8pm tonight - something i very seldom do.  These emotions were wearing heavy on me though.  And i woke up at 3 a.m. - it is now about 25 minutes after and i'm writing and listening - i just realized it was raining.  What a nice sound, the rain coming down to the ground and hitting the house - i'm feeling the cleansing of it all.  The air takes on a different quality when it rains - it washes away the debris of the day.  And i'm feeling it wash away the residue of my fears right now.

That pissed off feeling that i had yesterday - i've worked through it and shrugged it off.  I'm feeling very excited about the morning and the days ahead.  And i'm going back to bed for a couple of hours - because the morning is already feeling fresh and i'm looking forward to it.

I'm going to enjoy a cup of new day along with my coffee this morning and put those plans i've been organizing in my head - into motion.

One Spiritual Being having a Human Experience

It is St. Patrick's Day today.  I've been thinking of the "being Irish" thing.  Which led me to ethnicity and identifying with a particular group.

And then i thought well, if i identify with a particular group - does that separate me from others?  By the mere fact that i identify with "this" group.  Does it make me "us" and others "them"?

I didn't like that thought.  It made me feel different.  From others i mean.  And i'm not.  Not really.

We're all Spiritual Beings.  Here, having a Human Experience.  Right?  Well I think so.

Does identifying myself as an Irish-German-French-American Indian-Welch-American make me something other than a Spiritual Being?  Does it lower my vibration?

Does being a member of a particular club or Civic group separate you from others?  Yes i think it does.  There are many groups or clubs that i would not qualify to join - for various reasons.  I'm not a Packer fan - or I'm not Catholic or I don't know the secret handshake or I don't have an i.q. of 132.

While it does separate us - it doesn't diminish us or make us less than.  

These groups (mostly) are a way of celebrating the ethnicity, remembering the past or promoting unity for a common cause - bringing people together as a group, forming community - and they are helpful to some.  

However, they also separate us from Spirit.  Divine Oneness.  I want to raise my vibration and remember that i am One with ALL that is.  We are One.  And by that raise the vibration of the planet. 

One with the water as it flows over - through - in my body.  I am the water.  One with the air that fills my lungs.  I am the air.  One with each human that i encounter.  I am you.  One merged with One and All - so that All doesn't exist - only One exists.

One Spirit having this Human Experience. 

Sometimes we cry

There is a song that keeps running through my head today - a Van Morrison song - "Sometimes we cry".  I guess because I've been crying today.

Do you ever find yourself sobbing out those tears and frustrations and love? Feel those cleansing, heart wrenching, shoulder shaking, gut clenching sobs?

Those feelings came over me today - several times.  At work.  Driving home.  And again once i got home.  Hot tears.  They came and it felt good to cry.  Sometimes we cry.

Today.  I've had a difficult time grounding myself.  My weekend was FABULOUS.  A friend came in from out of town for a talk and workshop.  I had a small intimate gathering of a few friends over so that we could connect.  Talk.   Share.  Laugh.  Be.  Appreciate.  Enjoy.  Love.  Eat.  Slow Down.  And we did.

The entire weekend was over the top and filled with Energy.  Joy.  Love.  Music.  Conversations.  After the workshop yesterday - we all went our separate ways.  I went home and suddenly crashed on the sofa to sleep for an hour or so.

Then, today, as i said - i had a hard time grounding myself.  I couldn't concentrate and felt W I D E OPEN.  Right before i went to lunch i got a phone call from someone to tell me that a friend had passed.  I was ok on the phone - but when i got off the phone - my anger came. I cussed and fussed and finally started crying.  At my desk.  Because. Sometimes we cry.

I was angry.  Angry that my friend had died.  Angry that this person that called me - thought enough of me - basically a stranger to her - but she thought enough of me - that when she ran across my phone number today - she called to make sure that i had known about my friends death.  I had not known.  But when her sister had called my work and told whomever answered the phone about the death - and to make sure that i was told - no one thought enough of me - to write the message down and leave it for me.  Today is February 9th.  My friend died January 6th.  So yes i was @#$@$@#$ angry. It had been a month - and whom ever answered the phone - never remembered to tell me.   Deep breath and let that go.

When Kitty called - i had a nice conversation with her - remembering my friend - i'd known Helen for gosh, almost 30 years.  Helen was a volunteer where i worked - she'd volunteered for years.  Helen was 103 when she died.  Doing fine, feisty to the end Kitty said.  On the occasion of her 100th birthday - i sent her flowers.  I figured she'd earned them.  When i first met Helen - we didn't get along - but we came to like and respect each other - we found out we were kindred spirits when it came to organization.

I was angry at myself too.  I had looked at the calendar in December and realized that Helen's birthday was on the 1st and i needed to send her a card - but i never got around to it.  And now, well, now it is too late.  And here i am again.  Crying.  For me.  For her.

On the way home - i got in the car and some music came on - and i had to pull the car over.  I started sobbing again.  For me?  For her?

Later at home - i turned on the computer and looked at Facebook - only to find - that someone else i knew had died.  Today.  I started sobbing.  Again.  Because.  Sometimes we cry.

This person that died today - i only knew because of Facebook.  She was actually a friend of a friend - but she'd friended me the first of September because we had a mutual friend (several actually, but it was because of one).  She said she could tell she liked me just because of my posts and my picture and since she was planning on being in the same place that i was at the end of September - she wanted to friend me and meet me in person.  Well.  Things don't always happen the way we plan them.  She ended up getting sick and didn't make it to the September event.  We never met in person.  We talked on Facebook a little - i read her posts and knew like she did - that we'd probably like each other.  Her name was Jacquie.

So today - i've decided that i'm going to connect with the people, with the community that i have here right now and write those thank you letters to my 3 friends that came over on Saturday.  Because they mean a lot to me.  And they are here right now.  And because we don't know where we'll be tomorrow.  And because right now, after that last cry - i felt a release of held tension - and i don't feel the need to cry anymore tonight.

Sometimes we do cry.  Because we need to.  And sometimes we connect with those around us - because we need to.

My Soul Says Yes!

Where is Heaven?

When i was a child - i was told at church that i was going to Hell if i didn't accept Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and Savior.  And i must always be "good" to get into Heaven.  Heck even Santa paid attention to whether or not i was good, and he checked that list twice.

I never quite understood that.  How about you?  Where is this Hell anyway?  Or for that matter where is this Heaven they talk about?  I used to ponder that when i was young.  And then one day i realized that it couldn't be a physical place.  Hell was not "down below".   Heaven wasn't "up there".  God wasn't a "man".  God is Spirit.

On that day i realized that Heaven was here and Hell was here.  And when i realized this - i was still kind of young (in my early teens) - i didn't quite understand that entire thought process.   So i pondered more (i'm a ponderer) and realized that my life was what i made it.

Over the years I've come to understand this more and more.  I don't know when i realized that the thoughts in my head are my reality.  It seems i've always used the concept of visualization.  I would see something in my mind and then i would do it.  Even something as simple as laying in bed in the morning and deciding what to wear that day.  I would visualize it and then get up and put that on.

When i want to create an art piece - i feel the color in my mind, feel the texture, feel the essence of it - and imagine myself going through my supplies, pulling out what i need, putting it on the table and assembling it piece by piece, layer by layer.  Then when it is/was complete in my mind - i would go into my art studio and create.  Most times - i create it as i see it in my head, sometimes i might change it a little bit - but what i had visualized is usually what my finished product became.

My vision for myself, for my friends and family, for all people, for this city, this county, this state, this country.  Earth.  This World.  This Universe.  My vision is of Peace.  Joy.  Love.  Heaven. Abundance.  Right now.  Right Now!  We have the capacity Right Now!  We have it all within us.  We simply have to realize it.

What does it take to realize it?  I see people reading the same books - but they aren't doing the work.  They are doing the same things.  Making the same complaints.  They are stuck in this place in their heads.  They think they are doing better - but they really aren't.  They are merely going through the motions.  I know this because that was me.  I see this now.  How do we get others to see this?

I think the answer is to live this.  Begin with ourselves.  Be Joy.  Be Peace.  Be Love.  Be Abundance.  Be Heaven.  Right Now.  And when you share this - others will see this and want to be there with you.  Along side of you, riding the wave of Energy.  What about you?

It gives me such a High that My Souls Says Yes!

Be that. Every. Single. Day.

I thrive on stress.  When my mind is busy working out all of the options - calculating the time available vs. the workload - finding moments in the day to accomplish this task and then moving on to the next before the first one is ever done.  Multitasking myself through my day.

While this mind part of me thrives - the body part of me has a lot of stress - something else i thrive on.  However, the stress i feel in this body needs to have time devoted to it.  To relax and recharge.

Relaxation.  What a concept.  Meditation stretches and expands the mind.  Yoga stretches my muscles, expanding and releasing the stress build up in this body.  And Music.  Well Music is

something else all together.  When i listen to Music - i don't "do" anything else.  I listen to the music.  I'm not one of those people that always has music playing in the background.  When i play music, i'm devoting time to it and listening to it.

By relaxing in this way i find that as i listen to Music it creates a pathway from my Heart to my Mind and it spreads through out this body - i can feel it traveling through my cells, across my skin as it dances around me - clearing out the debris from the day.  Allowing this body to become in sync with the Larger Me.  I Breathe into that moment.  And my Spirit Expands.

Something i've learned is that when you are ready to allow yourself to listen to your body - to your Mind - and what you are being told by the Universe - your life will become better.  (I've had a friend telling me this over, and over, and over.  Did i say over?  I finally started listening.  Really, K. I'm listening!)

For example, today was such a great day.  I had a program at my day job.  Something i'd planned for several months.  Usually i get stressed out over the program - but today, well last week really - i decided that it would be perfect.  (Easy.)  I was standing up at the lectern watching everyone arrive and find their seats.  I found myself standing there with a smile on my face.  People walking up saying hello to me, sharing conversation.  And i realized that it really was perfect.  (Easy.)  When it was time to begin, i turned on the microphone, and began to speak.  I said everything i wanted to say, i didn't stumble over my words, they laughed at my jokes and it truly was Perfect.  I was calm.  And one of the best things - i had 55 people at my program.  That is a good day.

Now the trick is - to remember what i learned today.  Ultimately I am responsible for myself.  I have to listen to what the Universe is telling me.   And be that.  Every. Single. Day.

A Change Will Do You Good

What is it you want for your life?  Deep.  Deeply Want.  The Deeper Relationship with God.  The Deeper Relationship with Your Authentic Self.  A Deeper Relationship with other People.  A Deeper Relationship with your creativity.  Or think of it as the Bigger things.  For me one of those Bigger things is retiring from my present job of 29 years and paying off a large bill.  My Things are different from your things.  Because my things are my things.  And your things are your things.

I'm considering that for the moment.  There are a few things in my life that i say to myself - why isn't

this or that changing.  And i'm trying to figure out why.  What I'm seeing is that i keep making excuses to do something else - over doing the thing i want to change.  Avoiding the thing i think i want and not making the change.  Then i realize that there must be some fear in how if i do this thing - am i ready for the change that it will make in my life?  Because changing a Big Thing, a Deep Thing does change everything else.

Taking a deep breath on this one and seeing the need for meditation on that one.

Some of what i'm thinking: Something happened for me over the holidays.  I'm sitting here one day between Christmas and New Years.  Thinking.  Thinking about my future.  And i'm thinking about this something that happened to me.  It was a good thing.  A nice thing.  But suddenly i realized that it changed everything.  It opened the door to a BIG something that i've been wanting.  So i pulled out all my paperwork and a calendar and ran the numbers and realized that if i did this, then did that and moved that over here and OMG if i did all of this it would allow me to RETIRE.  Not in 3-5 years.  But at the end of this year, perhaps a year and a half at most.  Wow.

Recently I've been wanting and feeling the need to retire from my present job (been here 29 years).   After i'd worked here many years and then decided i'd stay on and retire from here - 30 years was my projection for myself.  But over the past several years i didn't think it would be possible.  However - still in my heart of hearts - i've held that vision of 30 years.  My 30 years will be September 16th of this year.

This past year my life changed a lot - and there are doors opening and new paths created - moving me in a new direction.  My life is so Abundant.  Filled with Love.  Wonderful Relationships with Authentic Spirits.  We share the good, the bad and the highs and lows.  I've learned so much from these relationships, i've grown, they've grown - we're all moving forward, helping each other.  And i'm ready to move forward into my future.  That future is filled with infinite possibilities.

When the time comes for change, you will desire that above all else, and make that change.  You will see the truth that without this change, you will only stay the same.

Anytime you want a deeper relationship with something, anything - it takes time and effort to create this deeper relationship.  So you have to ask yourself - do i really want this?  And if you want this - but you still aren't taking the time or effort - WHAT is standing in your way?  Besides you?  It is always You - but dig deeper there is something within you that is keeping you from your Good.

A change will do you good.

Meditate on That

Your Good is inside of you.

It always has been.

So what's in your way of seeing your Good?

You.

Stop believing all the crap that you are bombarded with.

Look inside.

Take a deep breath.  Slowly exhale.

Close your eyes. Meditate on That.  The space between the breath.

Feel it.  Feel the Good.  The Good that you are.

You always have been.  You always will be.

Be That.  Everyday.  Every moment.

And if you forget.  Take a deep breath.  Slowly exhale.  Close your eyes.  Meditate on That.

Repeat as needed.

Namaste.

Spread Love not Fear

When i see a post on Facebook or an article in a magazine or a newspaper or a television ad or commentary - there are 2 things i look for when i see it.
1.  Is this Love?
2. Is this Fear?

Life to me is sometimes a flow chart.  If this, then that.

Is this Love?  Yes - Is it relevant to you? Do you want to watch it/look at it? yes - then do it.
No? Then move on.
Is this Love? No - Then it must be fear.
Is this Fear? Yes - then move on, don't give it your power.  No? Then it must be Love, see above.

Very simplistic.  But we've got to be careful what we allow into our lives.  Into what we see, we speak, we do, we think, we spread - everywhere.

I saw a post that someone put on Facebook - which triggered this thought.  It said - "Do you know there are multiple cures for cancer but they are suppressed because cancer is worth $170 Billion dollars a year."  It just SCREAMED fear to me.

This is what i mean - by Love and Fear.

What i would rather see is something positive like this poster, on how to prevent something rather than pointing fingers and blaming someone else for the problem.

I know.  I know.  I live in my own world.  I want everything perfect.  I know the world isn't perfect.   But i can try, can't I?

I just found a bumper sticker in amid some papers i'm sorting through and filing.  "Loving Kindness is my religion" (His Holiness The Dalai Lama)

I guess that is where i am coming from.  I have to stop pointing fingers and blaming everyone else for my problems and issues.  It is one reason i'm sitting here all day today sorting papers and shredding, filing and tossing things. (i'm a writer and a genealogist - i keep everything.) I've wanted to have some people over to the house for a small gathering, but my house is such a mess i say to myself, there are papers and piles everywhere.   And you know what?   I just have to get off my rear and DO IT.   And it is feeling good.  And this room is looking so good.  And i'm planning a gathering at my house while i'm cleaning up and out.

What are you doing about it?  Let's stop a moment.  Let's Spread Love not Fear.

Be That Now

Resolutions.  Goals.  Intentions.  Rules.  Expectations.  Regulations.  Ugh.

Many years ago i stopped making "resolutions" for the new year.

I realized that when i made these resolutions and then i didn't keep them - i thought less of myself. When i stopped exercising after 2 months.  When I didn't keep the house picked up everyday.  When I didn't get fit.  When i didn't stop smoking.  Or eating sugar.  Or just simply eating less.  When I didn't stop using credit cards or pay off my debt.  When I didn't go back to school.   When i didn't find my true love.  Or buy a new car.  When i didn't meditate more.  Or find that new church.  When i didn't write that book.  Or travel more.  Or do this or do that and on and on.

I judged myself.  I made myself feel less than.  That small mind would take over and then i would feel small.  I was bullying myself into thinking that i was not perfect.  Just. the. way. I. am.

One day i decided to stop beating myself up.  And I realized that i am perfect.

Now let me say - that just because i know that i am perfect -doesn't mean that i remember it every day.  But i do remind myself of that fact when ever i begin to feel less than.  I'm bombarded with the media and people and the outside world - and their goal is to make me feel that i need something other than what i have.  Mine is to remember that i am perfect.  I have everything i need within myself.  As do you.

When i begin to feel less than - i try to figure out why i feel that way - and work through that block.   Sometimes i need assistance from others to help me work through those blocks.  That block that is keeping me from knowing that i am perfect, from knowing my Divine Nature.

I'm working through these blocks and knowing my Divine Nature more and more.

And you know what?  Over the years my life has changed.  I quit smoking one day.  I wrote a book.  Then i wrote another book.  And just this year I wrote a third book.  I went back to school.  I bought a new car.  I'm traveling more.  I'm allowing new people in my life. I've cut out most of my sugar consumption.  I'm creating more.  I'm loving myself more and more everyday.  And loving others.  I've found my True Loves, I am surrounded by them.  They are everyone.  I'm expanding my borders.  I've paid off half of my debt.  And i don't use credit cards anymore.  I save up to buy large ticket items.  I'm meditating several times a week.  I've found a new Spiritual Center.  Several actually.  And it has come naturally.  Easy.

I'm constantly trying to keep my house picked up.  But i don't care that people see it the way it is - messy.  These are simply some of my messy parts.  Yes i do need to loose weight - because i need to be healthy - not for any other reason.

And i'm feeling good.  About myself.  About my life.  And my non resolution life that is perfect!

Happy New Year!  Imagine the life you want to be and be that now.