Deep are my Sorrows

Time heals all wounds.  I think that is how the saying goes.  What if you didn't realize you had a wound - would it still heal?

Last week while working - i began to think about the way i felt.  I wasn't depressed, and yet i felt down.  Smiling and yet not quite happy.  Going through the motions but not actually there, where i should be.   Not my usual self.  Looking, thinking trying to put my finger on it.  The emotion that was flooding my senses.  On the outside i probably looked the same.  But i knew. Something wasn't quite right.  I felt different.

On the inside.  I realized i was crying.

I'm good at masking my emotions most of the time.  I worked on that for a really long time.  It became natural.  Even though i know now that it is unnatural.

I work on letting those emotions out these days.  But sometimes old habits return.

There has been so much in the news concerning the shooting in Charleston, SC by the young man who murdered the nine people in the Emmanuel AME Church there.

I need to say their names:
The man that pulled the trigger.  Mr. Dylann Roof
The people that were killed.  Sharonda Coleman-Singleton, Cynthia Hurd, Susie Jackson, Ethel Lance, Depayne Middleton-Doctor, Clementa Pinckney, Tywanza Sanders, Daniel Simmons, Myra Thompson.
The people that survived the attack.  Felicia Sanders

I talked to someone about it - and they helped me realize that it is personal - when someone dies it affects us all.  Because we are all ONE.  That is why i was feeling these feelings.  Sadness.  Fear.  Outrage.  Sorrow.  Forgiveness.  Helpless.  Weak.

What could i do?  I attended a Prayer Vigil.  And that helped.  I took my Power back.  I felt a solidarity to it all.  That we all were One.  Or at least on our way to understanding that we are One.

I realized during the service that even though we say we are One.  We still use the words of Separation.  They.  Them.  Ours.  Theirs.

We have a lot of work to do.

I realized that i had to begin with myself.  Forgive myself and my ancestors for what we've done to each other over the years.

Watch what i think - and change my words - to reflect the Truth.

It shouldn't be about race, religion, politics, or what country i'm from.  It should be the fact that i am a Spiritual Being having a Human experience.

It should be all about love.

We are here - as Gods manifestation.  We are taught to speak different languages.  We are taught what church to go to.  We are taught that we are different from others.  We are taught everything from the moment we are manifested.

And now it is up to me to un-teach myself and to question everything i've ever been taught.  Undo - the doing.  I don't drink the kool-aid any more.

The tears came and i cried - i let them out.  And felt a release of the fear and sadness and helplessness.  I took my power back and asked forgiveness and gave forgiveness.  I felt a comfort come over me.  For i'd let go of some of the doing - felt some of the undoing.

And i smiled.  I felt Joy in my heart.  I felt Love.  I feel the Oneness.