What's holding me back?

When you are ready the teacher will come.  Wow.  That teacher is everywhere.  All around us.

Animals.  People. Insects   In the trees outside.

Insects.  They're just doing what they do best.  It isn't personal.  That mosquito that bit me on the ankle last night - just looking for nourishment.  That lizard that cocked his head at me and flicked his tongue. Doing their thing.

Those trees that are creating shade, growing their leaves and standing tall.  Just doing what they do best.

Animals.  Dogs wag their tails when they see you.  Possums lumber along foraging, minding their own business.  Cats slumber in the sun.  Birds sing.  Swooping low, when you get too close to their nest.  Living their life. 

In tune with the Universe.

Humans.  Out of sync sometimes with our own bodies.  Our thoughts.  The Universe.  Our best.

I read something today - i've read it before - i've seen it before - i know this.  But today when i read it - i was ready to hear it and i kinda did one of those mental slaps up side the head to myself.

"Everything you desire is on the other side of fear. Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it. The greatest barrier is your fear of success. What could you DO if you let go of FEAR??"  Thanks RT.

Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it.

There is one thing that i fear and that is intimacy.  Now when i say intimacy i don't necessarily mean sex.  I mean closeness.  I mean total honesty and intimacy with another person.  Other people.  I say that i am open and honest - and i am - but i still hold back some things that - well, that perhaps i feel will make that other person think less of me.  Huh, I'm holding them back too aren't I?  Not allowing them the full force of the relationship.

It occurred to me that i was holding myself and others to a double standard.  Here i am - totally accepting others, their warts and all, their dark thoughts, their smiles, their sad, their happiness.  And here i am - holding back.  Holding back because of preconceived notions and that embedded sense of how i should act or be - for someone to like me - i guess is where i'm going with this.

While the past couple of years - i have opened myself up to allowing others to see me - there is more to me that i need to open up to- more to them that i need to open up to.  I've barely scratched the surface of these relationships.  Oh! a sense of happy just washed over me.

Someone told me a couple of days ago that it didn't matter what i said or did - that they only saw me as Love and could only see me as Love.  That i could say whatever i wanted and it wouldn't matter.  So why do i still hold back?

Because of fear.  

A few days ago - i was out with a bunch of friends - and there was singing and dancing and FUN

happening all around me.  Don't get me wrong - i was having fun. I was totally immersed in the bliss of being with people i love.  But i wanted to dance.  I really wanted to get up and dance with those around me that were dancing.  But i didn't.  I never do anymore.  I haven't danced in public in years.  Why? you ask? Why?  I'll tell you why - because i feel like i look ridiculous out there dancing and there is nothing worse for me than feeling or looking ridiculous.  Ok i'm putting this out there.  That is something i deal with everyday.  Every single day.  It is something that holds me back from doing a lot of things.  So.  There it is.  That is the truth of me.  I don't like that feeling.  Don't like it.  Don't like it.  I don't even like writing it down here.  But i need to deal with it.  So there it is.  That is a big secret of mine. (Maybe it isn't a secret. haha!)  

I need help dealing with it.  And i need to desire what i want more than i'm afraid of it.  So this is my message to the Universe.  I desire intimacy more than i'm afraid of it.

I want it more than i'm afraid of it.  I WANT it MORE than i'm AFRAID of IT!!!  I WANT IT MORE THAN I'M AFRAID OF IT.  I WANT MORE.  I DESERVE MORE.  I AM MORE.