When I Pray I Feel My Heart Go Deeper

There are certain things that are very personal to me.  One of them is prayer.  I've never prayed out loud in public before.

Now first let me explain that i grew up in a church where people would pray for 5 minutes or more  during the church service.  I never understood that.  Nor did i understand those long drawn out prayers that asked for this and that (things) and made promises (for those things).  I remember thinking "who is this person praying for or to?"  "Is he praying for himself, for me or what he thinks he should do?" Because it always was a man.  Women never prayed in our church.  Not during the service anyway.

Last weekend i had the opportunity to be what is called Platform Assistant in my (now) church (the PA basically keeps the service moving along).  I wasn't nervous about it - however when i read the order of service, i realized that i had to pray out loud, in public, in front of everyone.  Huh.

I thought about it.  I took a deep breath and this is the prayer that i spoke.  It is one of my favorites that i am going to share with you now.

Great Spirit,
Teach me how to trust,
my heart,
my mind,
my intuition,
my inner knowing,
the senses of my body,
the blessings of my spirit,
teach me to trust these things,
so that I may enter into MY sacred space,
and LOVE beyond my FEAR,
and thus walk in balance
with the passing of each glorious sun.

(Lakota Prayer)

Yes! God, Great Spirit, is showing ME everyday - how to trust and I am Loving beyond my Fear everyday.

And when i pray, i feel my heart go deeper into my God.

Boundaries and Buttons

Interesting to find out that i have buttons that can be pushed.  Today i had some buttons pushed and i got frustrated and very peeved with the event.   My co-worker told me later that my ears turned red.  What?! I never knew my ears turned red.  Ye Gads!

And now i'm pondering about my response.  It all happened so fast that i didn't have a chance to take a breath - i merely responded to it.

I have boundaries.  With people i do not know - i don't like for them to move into my space.  And i certainly don't like them to touch me.  I used to be extremely shy and i've worked through a lot of that old shyness.  But i am still, how shall i say, shy, reserved and standoffish sometimes.  And this particular person's energy weirded me out.

As this man (that i did not know-but in the office that i work in - i had spoken to him in passing) walked up to me, he put his hand out to touch me and i backed away from him.  He kept coming closer and i told him to stop and not to touch me.  He responded with a "what?"  I said "don't touch me.  I don't know you - you are not allowed to touch me."  Him: "How am i supposed to get to know you if you don't let me touch you?" Me: "You don't have to touch me to get to know me."  Him: "You aren't very loving." Me: "Love has nothing to do with you touching me or any one of my people here."  Him: "Do you get massages?" Me: "That is a personal question that you have no need to be asking me."  Him: "personal?"  Me: "yes, you can be arrested for touching people with out their consent."  Him: "I used to be a police officer." Me: "Well then, you should know better."  Him: "are you a christian?"  Me: "What does that have to do with anything?" Him: "It has everything to do with it, with love." Me: "No it doesn't.  You can be anything and be loving.  You however do not need to come into my place of business and try to touch everyone.  It is inappropriate behavior.  And you should know better."

So, ok, this went on - for a few more minutes and then i shooed him out of the office and he left.   I stood there at the desk, thinking about it.  I then turned to my co-worker and said "Unloving?  Do I get massages?  Am I a christian?  What does that have to do with the slice of bread?"  Co-worker: "Nothing - that was out of left field.  That guy knows no boundaries."  Me: "That guy is a (lalalalalalalalalalalalala) jerk."  Later i found out that he had done the same thing to 2 other co-workers.  With one he had walked up behind her and put his hands on her shoulders to massage her shoulders - and she told him to remove his hands and get from behind her.  Evidently he then said some of the same things to her.  She said she thought he was a lech and a jerk.

Ok so yes, i'm in need of some pondering on why i responded like i did.  Yes the guy weirded me out.  But i should have just said - leave the office and ended the conversation quicker than i did.  

However, i didn't do that - i let my buttons be pushed and now i need to learn something from it.  

My thoughts are this:  It is ok to have boundaries.  And yes people will push your boundaries.  But i need to learn to respond differently to someone when they push my buttons and boundaries.  

I need to take a deep breath and meditate on this tonight. 

After i wrote this - i heard a beep and went over to fb and saw this message from someone, they had placed it on my timeline.  Appropriate.

I Still Miss My Dad

Today is the anniversary of my father's death.  He died in 1982.   I am older now than he was when he died. This day used to be quite horrible for me to get through.  And then one day i decided to change that.

I decided it would be a great day.  A day to celebrate.  I began by quitting smoking on this day in 1991.  And now each year, i do something on this day to celebrate the day and my father.

Today i helped my mother put up the Christmas ornaments on our outside trees.  They are so lovely - they always make me smile.

Sometimes we need to step back and look at our life from a different direction.  A different perspective.  And see that things can be different.  Believe they will be different.  Visualize a difference.  And make them different.

I still miss my dad.  Some days it doesn't take much to make me tear up when i think of him.  But i don't dread the day of his death anymore.  I actually look forward to coming up with something to honor him by or with.  And every time i make or eat a devil's food cake with chocolate icing - i think of him and how we'd enjoy a slice together. 

And over the next few weeks - each time i go outside and see the ornaments hanging in the trees, i'll think of him and smile.

That place where silence is

Meditation.  That place where silence is and yet the world resides.  Inside.

For years I've been a waffler when it comes to meditation.  I'm not sure why - because when i do meditate on a regular basis - i feel good.  I'm calmer.  My mind is clearer.  I'm centered - or can find my center much easier during the day when i need it.

A few weeks ago i decided to take a class on meditation to refresh my practice and get myself going again.  I started today.   20 minutes and then i'm taking time to write down my thoughts.  I'm interested in seeing where this takes me and i'm consciously making a decision to make this a daily practice.  Right now, once a day feels right.

Taking time to do something for myself.  And i'm feeling better already.

Sometimes the Gift comes to You

Take some time for yourself during this busy and hectic season.

There are so many events going on - Christmas Cantatas, Luminaries, By Invitation Parties, Club Luncheons, Group Dinners, Tree Lightings, Church programs, Skating Gatherings, Breakfasts, Cookie Exchanges, last minute get-togethers and so much more!  My calendar has been full of invitations for over a month.

It is so lovely to be invited to participate with everyone and I know that i am very blessed.  The Christmas Season is a warm and gentle season filled with Love and Jesus.  

December is also filled with Stress, Frustration, Tears.  There are many things that i truly want to attend and be a part of this Season - i want to do EVERYTHING.  However, i've decided that i will attend only that event that i feel led to attend.  And everything else i'm going to have to step back from and say "No, thank you."

Saturday night - i came home after a busy day and relaxed.  There were several events that were planned - but i decided that i needed to stay home and take some time for myself.  I read some, checked my emails and talked with a friend on the phone.

While i was on the phone i received an unexpected gift - i saw a parade of boats going by my window all lit up with holiday lights.  I jumped up from my chair, told my friend i'd call her back and ran outside with my camera.  There they were, slowly riding by all lit up and singing Christmas Carols and yelling out "Merry Christmas!".  Wow!  Afterwards, i called my friend back and shared it with her.

Sometimes when you take a moment to relax and destress the Gift comes to YOU.

Listening from my heart

Lately my conversations with people i come into contact with - are changing.  We are connecting and sharing our heart - and we both end up crying before it is over with.

Not that the tears are sad ones - but because we've connected.  Exposed ourselves to each other.  We let each other see our Good, our Divinity.  And it is Good.

Today while i was working the desk - a woman came up with a question.  While i was researching the answer for her - we were chatting.  She proceeded to tell me that she had terminal leukemia.  I looked up at her from typing on the computer and said - "that is an interesting choice of words".  She said, "well, my doctor told me that i needed to find a place to die.  And that there was nothing he could do for this kind of leukemia."  Again i just looked at her and then i said, "you just need to get that thought right out of your head.  You are what you think and you need to think greater than that.  Greater than what your doctor said."  She then looked at me and smiled and said, "That is just what my minister said to me."

We both got tears in our eyes at the same time.  I gave her the information she wanted and she told me that she had retired and wanted to help the person that i'd looked up for her.  She wanted to help this person make a difference in the world.  She'd seen her on tv and listened to the interview and it had inspired her to contact her.  I told her to keep me posted on the progress - because i could see that she was going to make a big difference in a lot of things and her world was going to change while she helped change the world.

As i was leaving - i walked over to a co-worker - and as i approached she got up from her desk and met me.  She said to me, "oh! today is National Hug Day."  I said, "no that was yesterday, but you weren't here - so i wanted to give you that hug."  We gave each other a big long hug and as we pulled apart, i could see that she had tears in her eyes.  I just smiled (tearily myself) and picked up my bag and left.

The interesting thing about this encounter - i don't go around hugging my co-workers.  But i find it interesting that she knew why i was coming over.  Because as i said, she got up and met me and held out her arms - before i ever reached her.  I knew when i was leaving - i glanced over to her - and usually i just wave - but i knew that today she truly needed a hug and not words.  I say this because her beloved dog was in the doggy hospital after having a blood transfusion the day before and was recuperating.  She needed the hug as much as i needed to give it.  Because it is always a give and take when you are giving a hug.

My encounters with people are becoming more and more encounters of the heart.  One day i realized that i'd begun listening from my heart - and i'm hearing more clearly.