Intimate and yet divided by miles

My Minister refers to it as the "church of facebook".  Which is at once funny and basically true at the same time.

Today for example i found these posts - and they were a great beginning to my wonderful day.

The first one i saw was that a friend of mine J. had arrived safely in Seoul, Korea - she travels all the time and all over the world (i told her i'd be her luggage girl when i retire) - but it is always a relief to see these little posts here and there - confirming her next stop along her journey.

Then i saw this little poster from L. and it made me think about the post that i'd written yesterday about being myself.  And i thought, yeah - when did i learn to put on this mask - and be something other than me?  So my quest is going to be to surround myself with people, not just one person, but lots of people (my tribe as some of us call it), so that i will stop pretending to be anything other than what i am.  Love.  An expression of love.  As i said warts and all.

And then i saw another post about depression from J. and how so many, many people deal with this everyday.  I was at a meeting yesterday and there was a discussion about depression and how we'd had a guest speaker come and speak on the subject - and how so many people that attended responded to the discussion.  They loved having someone talk to them about it.  And as a byproduct - it was being discussed last night to bring the person back and/ or to have a special discussion series on depression.  Love shows up everywhere.

And then another post about love.  One of my favorite topics.  I feel inspired by this quote from Thich Nhat Hanh.  There is passion and depth and potential in these 14 words.  Isn't this what we want?  Just to love and to give love with no strings.  Why is there so much guilt in love?  I just want to love without people getting the "wrong idea".  By that i mean - when i smile at people - some people just smile back and accept the smile.  Other's will come over and say, with a smirk and a lear, "Hey baby, what's going on?" Ugh.  I'm just smiling.....

There are some people that i feel this unconditional love with that i just want to hug them and kiss them so much, we merge.  A friend of mines grandson said something to her one day when he was 4 or 5 - young.  He said, "Cha Cha, did you feel me?"  She asked him what he meant.  He said, "I flew out of my mouth into your body and kissed your heart, did you feel me?"  She said, "oh yes baby i felt you!"  OMG

That is what i mean.  Intimate.  And yet - delicate.  We may be divided by miles and space when we are all apart.  Free from guilt.  Free from the neediness that gets mixed up in peoples minds sometimes when it comes to love.

But we know that with a thought - that person is there - in your mind, right there beside you, in you, with you, as you (even if you are separated by miles and physical) - reminding you of the love you are and the love they are.  And THAT is a beautiful thing.

What's holding me back?

When you are ready the teacher will come.  Wow.  That teacher is everywhere.  All around us.

Animals.  People. Insects   In the trees outside.

Insects.  They're just doing what they do best.  It isn't personal.  That mosquito that bit me on the ankle last night - just looking for nourishment.  That lizard that cocked his head at me and flicked his tongue. Doing their thing.

Those trees that are creating shade, growing their leaves and standing tall.  Just doing what they do best.

Animals.  Dogs wag their tails when they see you.  Possums lumber along foraging, minding their own business.  Cats slumber in the sun.  Birds sing.  Swooping low, when you get too close to their nest.  Living their life. 

In tune with the Universe.

Humans.  Out of sync sometimes with our own bodies.  Our thoughts.  The Universe.  Our best.

I read something today - i've read it before - i've seen it before - i know this.  But today when i read it - i was ready to hear it and i kinda did one of those mental slaps up side the head to myself.

"Everything you desire is on the other side of fear. Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it. The greatest barrier is your fear of success. What could you DO if you let go of FEAR??"  Thanks RT.

Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it.

There is one thing that i fear and that is intimacy.  Now when i say intimacy i don't necessarily mean sex.  I mean closeness.  I mean total honesty and intimacy with another person.  Other people.  I say that i am open and honest - and i am - but i still hold back some things that - well, that perhaps i feel will make that other person think less of me.  Huh, I'm holding them back too aren't I?  Not allowing them the full force of the relationship.

It occurred to me that i was holding myself and others to a double standard.  Here i am - totally accepting others, their warts and all, their dark thoughts, their smiles, their sad, their happiness.  And here i am - holding back.  Holding back because of preconceived notions and that embedded sense of how i should act or be - for someone to like me - i guess is where i'm going with this.

While the past couple of years - i have opened myself up to allowing others to see me - there is more to me that i need to open up to- more to them that i need to open up to.  I've barely scratched the surface of these relationships.  Oh! a sense of happy just washed over me.

Someone told me a couple of days ago that it didn't matter what i said or did - that they only saw me as Love and could only see me as Love.  That i could say whatever i wanted and it wouldn't matter.  So why do i still hold back?

Because of fear.  

A few days ago - i was out with a bunch of friends - and there was singing and dancing and FUN

happening all around me.  Don't get me wrong - i was having fun. I was totally immersed in the bliss of being with people i love.  But i wanted to dance.  I really wanted to get up and dance with those around me that were dancing.  But i didn't.  I never do anymore.  I haven't danced in public in years.  Why? you ask? Why?  I'll tell you why - because i feel like i look ridiculous out there dancing and there is nothing worse for me than feeling or looking ridiculous.  Ok i'm putting this out there.  That is something i deal with everyday.  Every single day.  It is something that holds me back from doing a lot of things.  So.  There it is.  That is the truth of me.  I don't like that feeling.  Don't like it.  Don't like it.  I don't even like writing it down here.  But i need to deal with it.  So there it is.  That is a big secret of mine. (Maybe it isn't a secret. haha!)  

I need help dealing with it.  And i need to desire what i want more than i'm afraid of it.  So this is my message to the Universe.  I desire intimacy more than i'm afraid of it.

I want it more than i'm afraid of it.  I WANT it MORE than i'm AFRAID of IT!!!  I WANT IT MORE THAN I'M AFRAID OF IT.  I WANT MORE.  I DESERVE MORE.  I AM MORE.

Listen for the trees are speaking

Outside.  Closing my eyes to listen and feel the day.

I hear the waves as they roll into the shore and hit the sea walls.  Feel the light wind as it moves over my body, touching my skin with its delicate kiss.  The wind is everywhere sending ripples over the water.  There are birds singing and dogs speaking with their bark.

As i quiet my mind i hear one, two, three, four, five, six different birds, chirp chirp, cheep cheep, coooo, coooo, the engine of a boat or two, no there are three.

I open my eyes to see a cat that has paused on the edge of my grass - looking at me - wondering - i see the mind working, should i continue?  Paused in mid step watching me.

Three trills from another bird as it swoops along in flight.  Dogs running out to say hello when their family comes home.  Truck doors open, slam shut, feet on gravel, crunch, crunch, crunch.

The cat changed its mind - it stood in the same position for several minutes until he slowly turned around,  fluidly - paused, looked back at me - crept over to the corner, rounded the fence looked back at me again (so i finally made the two finger gesture, pointing at my eyes, pointing at his, making the universal, "yeah, i'm watching you."). Haha!

Pressure washer starting up.  Birds are still singing.  Insects are greeting the day with a fresh voice.  Happiness abounds and sweeps over me and i feel one with everything.  Water from the hose hitting the roof as he cleans it.  The water arcs, a rainbow peaks out and disappears into the mist.  The sun is shining and bright, the workers a few houses over have started up a saw and i feel the energy of the sun as it touches my skin.

Closing my eyes.  Breathing in the fragrance of the sun.  The scent of the flowers, and the green, the faint hint of sawdust as it travels along the wind over the water along the path of the day.  The bees are buzzing, pausing, harvesting drops of pollen, their swollen bodies, lightly flitting through the air.  A boat sails by amidst the tranquil.  The waves roll in, again.

Nature abounds in all its glory.  Saying hello.  Sitting in the silence of the raucous energy that is everywhere and the roar of the quiet.  I am relaxed and thankful for i am grateful.

I open my eyes and look up.  There the clouds are drifting by - close enough that if i reach out i can streeeetttch and touch them with the tips of my fingers.  The sun is caressing a spider web amongst the leaves of a tree and the thin gossamer filaments are glinting in the sun.  I can feel the leaves as they bask in the glory of the rays and they lift up toward the sun - grateful for the radiant energy -  they are lush and abundant in their glory and silent reverence.

Listen, for there is a symphony of music in this day.  Open your eyes and look around - for there is beauty everywhere.

There are green lizards climbing (and if you look - they'll "show you the money"), green flies, fish jumping, birds in the sky,  Suddenly i realize that all i hear is the wind, the birds and the insects, the trees are talking, and my eyes are full of moisture for i truly am grateful for this day.