Who Decides?

When is enough, enough?  And who decides what this random number is and when it is reached?

I watched a short video yesterday about "normal."  What is normal and again, who decides what normal is?

In my world.  I'm normal.  This is my normal.

In my world.  I make the decisions.

In the past, I've been known to let "others" and "them" decide for me.  Make my decisions.  Define my normal.  Define when my enough had been reached.

This isn't the case any more.  When it comes to my decisions, I make them.  When I am given information, I think it over, I allow time to process and I make a decision. I make a decision on what is best for me at that moment.

That doesn't mean that tomorrow, a year from now, or sometime in the future, I might change my mind.  I might even gather more information that I then process and based on that point in time, I might stay with my previous decision or I might see that it is in my best interest to move in another direction.

What is currently on my mind is death and grieving, but there is also relationships, mental illness, physical illness, emotional, spiritual illness that come to mind when I consider this.  There are so many aspects of our life, so many times that I've heard someone say to me or to someone else, "you just need to get over that" or "it is time for you to move on" or something along that vein.  And really who are they to say that it is time?

There are many people that deal on a daily, moment by moment basis, with mental illness, pain and suffering of many kinds.  Some days these illness's take over their mind and they are unable to function the way they'd like to function.

Even with grief.  I was talking to someone recently that had lost someone in their life and someone else said to them "it is time to clean out their room, the closet and get rid of everything."  And the person I was speaking to got really upset over the thought of this.  They simply were not ready to spend that emotional time, in the room, going through all of those memories.  They weren't ready.  They had not reached the time to do this.  They were still going through the grieving and knew they were not ready.  They had not reached their "enough."

I have friends that have emotional and mental illness, they text and call and message and email the many people in their lives.  When they are able, they reach out when they need to make contact.  Sometimes they aren't able to do that.  And when I don't hear from them, I reach out.

When they reach out I do my best to respond to them.  Why?  Because that is their normal.  They haven't reached their enough in that moment.  Why?  Because that is their normal.

I guess the bottom line that I'm getting to today is to be kind, be patient, be compassionate, be love.  For we are all dancing as fast as we can, doing the best we can do, and being the best that we can be in this moment.  In this moment, this is our normal.

Because All Lives Matter

There is a billboard that i pass everyday it reads, "How many traffic deaths are acceptable in your family?"

Who knows how long this sign had been standing there on the side of the road?  Days, Weeks, Months? A couple of years perhaps?  I don't know.  What i do know is when several of my family members got into the car and drove down that road on December 26th last year is when i finally saw the sign.  We were on the way to a funeral of my young niece.  She'd been killed in an automobile accident just a few days before.

Now when i pass that sign, i read it and i say to myself.  Zero.  Because All Lives Matter.


July 5th another man was shot by police officers while they were detaining him outside a convenience store in Baton Rouge, Louisiana.  Another man.  Another human being was shot.   Alton Sterling, a 37 year old black man was shot and killed by these officers that are here to "serve and protect".  Who were they serving on Tuesday?  Who were they protecting?  From all reports these officers had the man down on the ground, pinned with no visible gun and still they shot him.

How many shooting deaths are acceptable in your family?  Zero.  Because All Lives Matter.



June 12th Orlando shooting.  50 deaths, including the shooter.  Senseless.  Needless.
June 25th Fresno, CA.  Police shoot an unarmed white man, Dylan Noble, 19.  Senseless.  Needless.
July 7th, Saint Paul, MN.  Police shoot Philando Castile, during a traffic stop.  Senseless.  Needless.
There are countless others.  It saddens me to read anymore of them.  My heart is heavy.

There is a movement #BlackLivesMatter that states on their website:
"Black Lives Matter is an ideological and political intervention in a world where Black lives are systematically and intentionally targeted for demise.  It is an affirmation of Black folks’ contributions to this society, our humanity, and our resilience in the face of deadly oppression."

I ask myself, "what can i do?"  Sure i gave money to the #WeAreOrlando fund.  Sure last year i gave money to #TheCharlestonNine.  But what does throwing money at a problem do?  Hopefully it went to the people that matters.  I'll never know.

Yes, I happen to be a middle class, middle aged white woman.  I was lucky enough to have been born into a great family that didn't teach me racism, or that i was better than anyone else.  My parents taught me to love people, no matter who they were.   Because all lives matter.  My parents taught me that i could do anything i wanted to do in life, i just needed to set my mind on it, plan it out and do it.

There are a lot of people in this world that weren't taught those simple principles.  I've learned over the years that some people are taught that because of the color of their skin, their sexual orientation, their religious beliefs,  they don't have options.

I'm hear to say that we all have options.  It doesn't matter (or it shouldn't, but i'm affirming here), your race, your gender, your sexual orientation, whether you are fat or skinny, tall or short, a bully or the most loving, giving caring person i'll ever encounter.  It doesn't matter if you are a genius or not.  It doesn't matter if you are rich or poor, healthy or sick.  It doesn't matter.  IT DOESN'T MATTER.  We have choices.  And we've got to learn to make better choices.  For ourselves, for each other, for our future.

When you make the choice to hate, what are you teaching our children? When you make the choice to turn a blind eye to something, what are you teaching our children?  When you make those choices you dig deeper into your own pit of despair.

What does God teach?  God is Love.  You make the choice to love or to live in fear.  It isn't always easy, but we must choose to Live in Love.  Live a life of service to others, not just your church, or your family or friends.  Life a life of service to all.  When you see someone that needs help, help them.  A word, a smile, a hand - acknowledge that the person is ALIVE.  SEE the human being, the Divine Spirit that dwells in them, SEE their Light that is shining.  I KNOW it is scary sometimes.  Because that person doesn't look like me.  That person doesn't act like me, smell like me - but when you look into their eyes you realize that that person is you.  Because we truly are ONE.

I wasn't sure what to write about today.  I had no intention of writing.  But the words came out - i don't have the answers to everything, i don't know how to change this trend of killing, all i know is i had to say something.  No matter how small this something was/is.  What can i do?  Yes, i pray.  Yes, i love.  And that "golden rule" "Love your neighbor as thyself" i've been thinking about that. I'm here to tell you - that isn't necessarily a good rule.  I say this because, for years, YEARS, i hated myself.  And so yep, i hated others.  I didn't think i did, but now that i have changed some of my thinking - i realized that i certainly didn't like myself.  I didn't take care of myself, and i certainly didn't treat you any better.  So first the golden rule should read something like, "Love yourself first, and then you will love others."

Perhaps that is it.  Could it be that simple? Part of the reasons for the killings.  No one loves themselves, so if they don't matter in their own lives, no one else's life matters.  #AllLivesMatter  #SimpleAsThat

I Changed My Routine

We all have morning routines.  Whether the morning is at Sunrise or Sunset - it is a routine.  There is some semblance of a pattern or regimen behind it; a sort of calming order to it.

With the last job i was working, i'd been there 30 years, i had developed a routine.  I would wake up 1 hour before i was supposed to be at work.  I may not  have gotten up and out of the bed for another 10-15 minutes - and then i'd rush to the shower, rush to get dressed, put my make up on and get out of the house, rushing all of the time.  I never had time to eat.  Then i'd be frustrated at the other drivers and myself for being delayed getting to my job, getting to my desk.  And i was usually late by a few minutes.  Every single day.  What a way to start my day.

Now a days, since i'm not working there anymore, and i did something that some people called "retirement" - i don't have to get up at a specific time for a job everyday.  My routine has changed.

Theses days, i get up, i get dressed and drive to the gym.  I work out, then i come home.  I shower, I eat breakfast, and i journal.  I read a daily passage from several books, think about my yesterday and then my today and i write about it.  And all of this before 9 or 10 a.m.

Sometimes i sit outside to journal, sometimes i don't.  These days, things have changed.  These days i actually like getting up in the mornings.  And no matter what the day brings, i enjoy it, i look forward to it.

You see, i changed the way i see life.  Instead of working at it, i now work with it.  I decided to change my outlook on the world, on myself.  I decided to let go, and let God.  This was a difficult decision for me.  Because quite frankly, i thought i had been letting God drive.

Once i decided to "let God" i knew that i had to retire from the job i was working.  It was killing me.  That entire routine that i had developed, was killing me.  I was stressed out.  I was extremely overweight.  I was tired.  I was not exercising.  I was sick.  I was existing.  I was everything i didn't want to be.  And i knew the only thing that would save me, was me.  And i needed to make a huge change.

Consequently, i changed my routine.  I now pay attention to what i eat.  I used eat out almost every meal.  These days, at night, i write out what i plan to eat the next day.  I go to the gym.  I lift weights at home.  I get enough sleep.  I take my medicines.  I journal everyday.  I joined a 12 step program for my overeating and i'm working through the steps.  I make a point to do something everyday that helps me to laugh.  I sit outside everyday for a few minutes to take in the beauty.  I meditate everyday for at least 10 minutes.  I now have a part time job that i enjoy.  I am going to school, which will eventually lead to going to Ministerial School.  With God, I am living my life as God intended.

This didn't happen over night.  I've been slowly looking at my life, adjusting it here and tweaking it there for the past few years, and actually retiring in January.  But the biggest thing i did was to ask God for help.  I thought that i'd been helping myself all of this time, when really i had been deluding myself.  I'd just been existing. Now i feel like i'm living.  Everyday just gets better and better.  And i realized one day that I'm living in Heaven.  Right here, right now.

Through the 12 steps and my daily journaling, talking to a few of my mentors, and talking to God, i see myself differently.  I actually SEE myself.  I Love myself.  I'd never realized how much i'd hated myself, hated this body and consequently hated a lot of what i was doing.  I was looking out of these eyes and seeing everything wrong in the world.

These days, since i'm looking at myself differently, i'm seeing the world differently.  There is a saying, "Seeing isn't Believing, Believing is Seeing."  One of my favorites.  Because what you believe IS what you see.  I Love myself.  And these days I see Love everywhere.  Because i'm looking out through Love's eyes these days.

I may not be perfect, but what i am is, a work in progress.  And i'm very happy with the progress i've made.  I've opened up to the Universe and the Universe has responded.  All you have to do is ask God for help.  It is God's good pleasure to give you what you want.  You merely have to ask for it.  Think about your life and ask yourself, "how's that working for you?"

Here are some of my readings for today's journaling: Voices of Recovery, "Many people settle for okay, ...thinking in terms of problems, rather than solutions."  For Today, "Step by step, i will find my way, asking for help."  Jesus Calling, "You tend to feel guilty about pushing back the boundaries of your life to make space for time alone with Me." Daily Word, "World Peace.  To change attitudes toward peace, I begin with myself.  I connect prayerfully with Spirit."

How are you connecting with God?  Are you living your life as God wants you to?  Or are you merely existing?  What changes can you make to adjust to a fuller, happier, more joyful life?

This is an affirmation i really like: "Spirit leads me, guides me and walks beside me."
What is an affirmation that you like, that helps you through the day?

That is where Love lives

How do you handle grief?  

Sitting here in the waiting room at the hospital. I'm sitting here holding a space of love. 

Listening to everyone chatter. Tears. Sobbing. Quivering lips. Runny noses. Red eyes. Love. 

They are gathering to hold their space. I hear. He's too young. I can't believe it. Why him?  

She was fine. We truly thought she was going to be ok.  I'm so glad I was here. 

Oh man what are we going to do?  He isn't going to come out of this. 

We do the only thing we can do. We take a breath and be love. We hold that space of love. We stand in love. We cry. We sob. The ugly tears, the ones that twists our faces. The ones that come out of that deep space. The ones that cause our shoulders to hunch and shake. The ones where our body trembles.  The ones that make our knees weak and we slide to the chair, the sofa, the bed, the floor.  The ones that cause us to scream and heave and yell. 

My heart aches. My breath is shallow. A friend is preparing to leave her body. 

Her daughters are on their way. Coming to help momma home. To kiss her one last time before she goes. 

I love you Mrs M. Peace on your journey. Your physical presence will be missed. You'll always hold a space in my heart. Because that is where Love lives. 

Find that quiet space

What are you thankful for?  What are you grateful for?

Besides the obvious, my family, my friends, my health, a home, a car, a job, food in the cupboard, a cupboard - yes i am grateful for all of those, but I am truly grateful for my Spiritual Journey that I am on. 

I'm looking at everything around me - and i realize that none of it is mine.  It is all God's.  That remote for the Wii - Gods.  Those rings on my fingers - Gods.  The fuzzy slippers on my feet - Gods.  The rug under those feet - Gods.  Paintings on the walls - Gods.  The tv, the clothes, the dishes, the heat coming out of the vents, the sofa - all Gods.

I'm removing my attachment to these things - because they really aren't mine.  I've been working on this for a while - and i'm realizing more and more that my attachment is diminishing.   I'm really realizing it as i go through things and clean out the house - i realize i don't need all of these things and i'm passing them on to others.  Donating them to charity.  And it feels really good.  Like a burden is being lifted from my shoulders.  I have accumulated too much "stuff".  And it has been suffocating my Spirit.  I'm lightening my load on many levels.  Every time i take a load to charity - it feels so good.

Attachment to these physical things only serve to ground you to this world.  This world that is really an illusion.  Attachment feeds that illusion.

The Spiritual is the goal.  Being and feeling that pure Oneness with everyone and everything - makes you realize that feeling of separateness is something you create by attaching yourself to the physical.

How do you attain the goal of Spiritual Oneness, God Realization?  Through prayer and meditation.  Spending time with God.  Everyday.  Until it becomes natural and you spend every moment in prayer.  When i say this i don't mean - on your knees with your eyes closed - praying and saying words out loud.  I mean - being mindful of your surroundings.  Seeing God everywhere, watching your thoughts, paying attention to what you do, how you spend your time.

Find the quiet space.  Sit in that space.  Quiet your mind.  Become that quiet space.  And you will find what you are seeking.

God Manifested

One day i realized that I was God's manifestation here on earth.  Everything I do, I do for God.

These hands - create for God.

These feet - walk for God.

These eyes - see everything for God.

Then one day I realized that I am God manifested here on earth.  Everything I do, I do as God.

These hands are God creating.

These feet are God walking.

These eyes are God seeing.

You know that realization that changes everything?  Yes, this changes the way I see everything.

Someone said to me yesterday, "Everyone is God."

Yes.  Everyone is God.  And that changes everything.

I Only Pray at Night

Today i was listening to some music by John Fullbright.  He sings a song "I only pray at night" on his album "From the ground up" of which he wrote all of the songs i think.

While i'm listening to the song, enjoying the moment, the music, and i begin to notice the words so i put the song on repeat to really listen.

He says - "i only try so hard".  And these words got me to thinking.  What do i do, where in my life, do i only "try so hard" and stop.

Actually i thought of quite a few things.

He says - "i only fly so high, until i come back down".

Why do i do the things i do knowing that i can do anything - and yet i set limitations and see a glass ceiling that really doesn't exist.  Only in my mind.

He says - "i only fly so far, till i turn around."

There again - i'll go after something, but stop sometimes right before i touch the sky.

Limiting myself.  Once again.

What would happen if i took that next step?  If i continued on down the path and touched the clouds?  Think of the possibilities.  They are infinite.  There is an entire Universe out there - and it is waiting for me.  Waiting for you.

John Fullbright "I only pray at night"
I Only Pray At Night
Put away and out of sight, I confront my fears
I am proud, I am strong, I’m endowed just as long
As it’s light, I only pray
At night
I’ve got an unmarked card, you’ve got the upper hand
I’m afraid to behave in a way that would leave me scarred
I only try
So hard
Its a mystery to me what my mind will see
And it’s something, ain’t it something, when you miss that mark
And you get down on your knees to pray
Only travel so far until I turn around
If you can’t wait for me to land go on ahead I understand
If you can’t try, I only fly
So high
I only try so hard
I Only Pray At Night.

I Only Pray At Night when the world disappears
I only try so hard to make you understand

And it’s funny, ain’t it funny, what ain’t funny in the dark
I only fly so high until I come back down
Make me cry, cry, cry
I don’t know where to go when it don’t seem right…
I only fly so high
I only try so hard
I only pray at night

Anything is possible!!!

What if i told you that our vision is our reality?  What if we understood this?  Believed this?

If we see ourselves this way or that - then we become this way or that.

For one reason or another - sometimes we have a tendency to believe the negative.  We need to retrain ourselves.  We need to be like little children.

When i was younger - i had a boyfriend and we would play a "fishing" game.  He was the fisherman and i was the mermaid.  He'd "catch" me every once in a while and i'd allow him to "pull" me in to shore.  Shore was a little children's wooden picnic table in the back yard.  The entire back yard was the sea.

We'd sit on the picnic table and make up stories.  He'd tell me about places he'd fished and things he'd seen as a sailor on the Seven Seas.  And i'd tell him about what it was like to live in the water and swim around all day, the creatures in the deep depths that no one else had ever seen and how we were magical and could walk on shore for short periods of time.

After a while, he'd unhook the line, to let me go and i'd hop back into the water and swim away flapping my tail.

Somewhere along the line - i forgot that i was magical.  Today i'm reminding myself that deep down i'm still that mermaid.  That child.  With a magical vision.  And my reality is changing.  My future is open to all the possibilities that are available to me.  Which translates into anything is possible!!!