Deep are my Sorrows

Time heals all wounds.  I think that is how the saying goes.  What if you didn't realize you had a wound - would it still heal?

Last week while working - i began to think about the way i felt.  I wasn't depressed, and yet i felt down.  Smiling and yet not quite happy.  Going through the motions but not actually there, where i should be.   Not my usual self.  Looking, thinking trying to put my finger on it.  The emotion that was flooding my senses.  On the outside i probably looked the same.  But i knew. Something wasn't quite right.  I felt different.

On the inside.  I realized i was crying.

I'm good at masking my emotions most of the time.  I worked on that for a really long time.  It became natural.  Even though i know now that it is unnatural.

I work on letting those emotions out these days.  But sometimes old habits return.

There has been so much in the news concerning the shooting in Charleston, SC by the young man who murdered the nine people in the Emmanuel AME Church there.

I need to say their names:
The man that pulled the trigger.  Mr. Dylann Roof
The people that were killed.  Sharonda Coleman-Singleton, Cynthia Hurd, Susie Jackson, Ethel Lance, Depayne Middleton-Doctor, Clementa Pinckney, Tywanza Sanders, Daniel Simmons, Myra Thompson.
The people that survived the attack.  Felicia Sanders

I talked to someone about it - and they helped me realize that it is personal - when someone dies it affects us all.  Because we are all ONE.  That is why i was feeling these feelings.  Sadness.  Fear.  Outrage.  Sorrow.  Forgiveness.  Helpless.  Weak.

What could i do?  I attended a Prayer Vigil.  And that helped.  I took my Power back.  I felt a solidarity to it all.  That we all were One.  Or at least on our way to understanding that we are One.

I realized during the service that even though we say we are One.  We still use the words of Separation.  They.  Them.  Ours.  Theirs.

We have a lot of work to do.

I realized that i had to begin with myself.  Forgive myself and my ancestors for what we've done to each other over the years.

Watch what i think - and change my words - to reflect the Truth.

It shouldn't be about race, religion, politics, or what country i'm from.  It should be the fact that i am a Spiritual Being having a Human experience.

It should be all about love.

We are here - as Gods manifestation.  We are taught to speak different languages.  We are taught what church to go to.  We are taught that we are different from others.  We are taught everything from the moment we are manifested.

And now it is up to me to un-teach myself and to question everything i've ever been taught.  Undo - the doing.  I don't drink the kool-aid any more.

The tears came and i cried - i let them out.  And felt a release of the fear and sadness and helplessness.  I took my power back and asked forgiveness and gave forgiveness.  I felt a comfort come over me.  For i'd let go of some of the doing - felt some of the undoing.

And i smiled.  I felt Joy in my heart.  I felt Love.  I feel the Oneness.

What have you done for yourself lately?

I'm reminded today of a book by Don Miguel Ruiz "The Four Agreements".  The book and the agreements have been on my mind recently because a friend of mine gave a series of talks with each of the agreements as one of the topics.

• Be impeccable with your word
• Don't take anything personally
• Do not make assumptions
• Always do your best

Wise words to live by.  

I've been having ample opportunities to test my convictions.  My life has had quite a few ups and downs recently.  I feel as if I've taken several leaps backwards instead of forward.  Even with all of this I know that my life is Good and that i live in Heaven.

I must remember that no matter what someone else thinks of me, their opinion of ME does not matter.  Only my opinion of me matters.  And i'd better not be a bully to myself.  No matter what they say to me, I'm not to take it personally.

Some days it is all i can do to put one foot in front of the other.  And i'm thrilled that i made it through another day.  Sometimes that is my best.  Other days i hop and skip through the day.  And that is my best.

When others are doing their thing, and not what i want to do, perhaps they aren't available to me for whatever reason - i must remember to not make assumptions.  Because they too are doing the best they can and perhaps that day - it means dealing with their own "stuff" and not yours and everyone else's.

And last but not least - pay attention to the words that are coming out of my mouth.  Just because i'm upset or depressed about something doesn't mean that i should take it out on someone else.  Always be impeccable with your word.  Even the words inside my head as i talk to myself.

Remember that as we walk through this life together - we are all One.  What you do does affect everyone else in the web (of life).   What happens to one person in your tribe - affects everyone in your tribe.

Do whatever it is you need to do - to recharge your batteries.  Make the changes that you know that you need to make.  While it may be difficult to make these changes (changes usually are difficult) - they are probably for the best of you.  Take care of yourself.  Meditate.  Pray.  Laugh.  Eat the foods that vibrate health.  Exercise your body, mind and spirit.  Take a walk.  Drink water.  Eat green.  Read only that book that promotes you and your higher self.  Watch a movie that makes you laugh.   Journal.  Change your associations.  Change jobs.  Move.  Find a Spiritual Community that speaks to you.  Hug someone.  Hug a tree.  Hug yourself.  Ground yourself with the earth, daily.  Take a class.  Have some mind blowing sex.   Snuggle.  Take a deep breath and breathe in the life force around you.  Go to the hairdresser.  Get a massage.  Talk to a friend.  Call them.  Go see them.  Spend time with your pets.  Get a manicure.  Go hiking.  Climb a hill.  Climb a mountain.  Clean out your house.  Get rid of that baggage you carry around.  Spend time with your family.  Kiss someone.  Spend time with your friends.  Make new friends.  Figure out what makes you happy right now and do that.  Change your mind if need be. 

Whatever you need to do - to make your life better - you are the only one that can do it.  So like Nike says, Just Do It!  Begin today.  

In other words - what have you done for yourself lately?